My whole life I've always asked myself "Why do I have to be different? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" Why I am faced with this chronic illness, avascular necrosis that has held me back physically from so many things I know my body is capable of?
Why I am a 38-year old who isn't married? Why do I have to be different from my friends and not have a husband to lean on when I desperately need that support and why do I feel so much shame for being single?
Why was I in a car accident last year that turned my world upside down and forced me to make major changes in my lifestyle and career? Why was I faced with the burden of suffering hormone imbalances and being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease on top of everything I was already dealing with?
Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why do I have to be different?
I just want to be normal. I don't want to have weird things happen to me that set me apart from others and open me up to challenge, scrutiny and judgement, and believe me, a fair amount of that judgement comes from myself. Either way, I'm tired of having to fight harder than the average person to live a healthy life.
I just want to be like everyone else, not someone who's different.
I just want a day where I don't have to think about how to modify a workout around my crappy leg, a day when I can get in and out of car in less than 5 minutes without my hip jolting out of place or have someone ask me why I limp. I want a day where I can run free in the mountains, do burpees until I turn blue. Okay, so maybe not those.
Why do I have to be different?
Everyone is prescribed their own dose of challenge in life and people say you're not given more than you can handle, but I can safely say I'm at my limit. The challenges I've been faced with are beyond what one should be expected to endure in a lifetime and I'm tired. Tired of being faced with many physical challenges. Tired of being judged. Tired of fighting for my health. Tired of feeling alone in this journey. I'm just tired.
Then I remember.
I remember the extraordinary places I've been and seen in 38 years of life.
Completing more than a dozen half marathons with a cruddy hip.
Losing 80 pounds walking on the beach.
Teaching a kid to swim and having them tell me how much they love me.
Teaching a spin class and having everyone in the class tell me what an awesome instructor I am.
Being blessed by connecting with inspirational people every day all over the world doing something I love.
Why do I have to be different?
So I can remember. Because sometimes when you're trying to escape the messy cobwebs of life, you forget. You forget how many remarkable things you've been blessed with.
Megan,
I hate that you have had to go through all that you have had to go through, but know that you have inspired this girl so much with your resilience, your passion, and your ability to work around any obstacle put in your way. I've leaned on your blog as I've dealt with infertility, multiple running injuries, a stress fracture, and weight gain after pregnancy. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your struggles with us all. I LOVE that you're different!!!
Oh, thank you so much Lindsey! I can't tell you how much what you said means to me.
I can only imagine how tough it is to have a chronic health issue like you do. I think it's amazing that you continue to share and inspire others, and you're so right that we have to focus on what we CAN do instead of harping on what we're missing out on. We all have different lives and experiences and blessings come in different ways. Thanks for sharing <3
Thanks Catherine! Your sweet words really meant a lot.
Girl I know you get SUPER frustrated but I'm happy you know all the inspiration you've given others! The hardest point in my life was when I couldn't sit without pain, it doesn't seem like a hard thing but it affected every area of my life. For two years that went on. Now I'm thankful every day for what my body can do and the simple things, like sitting down to work, watch a movie, etc...
I can't believe you went through that for two years. That must have been hard. It is easy to take for granted being physically able to do the little things. So glad we got to chat a bit today!
I've realized as I get older that everyone has big struggles and there is no such thing as normal. We just have to take the cards we're given and make the bet of it! So glad you are doing that.
Thanks Julie! I think everyone has their own baggage in life. I think for me, all of it happening during one time period was a lot. Maybe this means I'm done for awhile?
I used to tell myself: I have been given these obstacles because I am strong enough to take them on, I have the means necessary, and thank goodness it is me and not someone else. Do I necessarily still think that someone else was spared because I am dealing with these things? No, but I try to use my story, my different-ness, to set an example for others so that they may, in words of my motto, live beyond expectations.
And that's exactly why I love you so much. xoxo