The Single Girl Shame
"So, Megan, why aren't you dating anyone?"
The question never is, "are you dating anyone or have you met anyone." It's always, "why aren't you dating anyone" as if to imply something's wrong with me.
This question has been a regular occurrence for as long as I can remember (except for whenever I have been in a relationship), and it mostly comes from family. The people who love you most, are often the ones who hurt you most.
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As a woman who's almost 40 and who has had much success personally and professionally, this question is like a bullet to the heart. On the one hand, you feel like you've been pushed your whole life to be independent and to not depend on anyone yet, the mere fact that you don't have a husband somehow discredits everything you've worked so hard for.
Hong Kong 2012
I feel like being single is something I have to justify and apologize for. It's as if those who are married are "normal" and those who are single are "abnormal." I catch myself wondering what's wrong with me then reminding myself NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME.
Why is it that we can love and praise the Sex In The City women for being strong independent single women yet, in real life we put these same women down. Double standard?
It is hard being a single woman, and the the insinuation of it being abnormal is hurtful.
Don't you think it hurts having no one who loves you? You may as well tell me I'm fat, dumb and ugly.
What people fail to realize is how painful it is watching every friend, one by one getting married and having kids, while you wait for your turn that never comes.
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What people don't understand is how horrible it feels watching other women get divorced and remarried, while you're still single. Or how sad it is planning vacations alone because your friends have families and don't have time to go on vacation with their single friends.
What people don't know is how isolating it is that you don't have girlfriends to go out with on a Friday night anymore because they have families and you don't.
Those people take for granted how hard it is to survive being sick for two years, feeling like you're losing your mind because no doctor will help you, and having NO ONE to help you get through it. Someone who will give you a hug when you need one or listen to you cry your heart out.
It's wrong for people to judge you for the life you're living. It's not their life so why do they care? Not to mention they're overlooking the many successes that person has had in their life and the things they may have given up to get there.
Maybe something better is planned for me. Maybe this journey is preparing me for something different. Is being different so wrong?
Do you think if I had chosen my life this is what I would have wanted? I had dreams of meeting Mr. Right like every other little girl. It just didn't happen, or at least it hasn't happened yet, and I'm not going to sit around feeling sad about it. Life doesn't always happen the way we want it or come in a pretty box with a bow.
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I'm not a sad, single girl. I'm a smart, successful, beautiful, strong, mostly HEALTHY and HAPPY woman. Why isn't be enough?
Related: 3 Ways To Build Other Women Up
Thanks for letting me think out loud today.
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Very well said!! People are such morons. Having been single for 5 years BY CHOICE I hear all kind of shit. I was happy. I had time for me. I did what I wanted. I saved money. It was a blast! I love being married now... but those day were gold. People are too quick to judge what they don't understand (or are JEALOUS of).
Judge is the key word here! I would like to see people more accepting of others is what I think I was driving at with this post. Black, white, asian, gay, lesbian, straight. Just accept people for who they are and don't beat them up for what you think they should be.
Well said, Megan. I appreciate such a raw and honest post. As a young, single professional in her 30s, I can relate to how you are feeling! I often hear from family, friends, and ex-boyfriends that I am intimidating because of my success (I got my PhD at 29 and have been working as a professor for 4 years), my confidence, my interest in sports and I suppose my looks. If I was a male, I don't think I would be considered intimidating, but rather considered a success or even a catch. So it is frustrating and very hurtful to be told I am intimidating for working hard in life. Ugh! While getting married and/or dating would be great, it has never been my #1 priority which I am totally content with, but close friends and family seem to not understand how marriage is not my top priority now that I am established in my career.
Thank you for sharing your story Jo and good for you for being secure enough to do what you want and not what other people want. I'm amazed at how many women are so much like me. I didn't expect that when I wrote this.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you friend. Will I see you next week at IDEA?
We talked about this when you were here in Chicago. I 100% respect you for being single because you won't settle. WHY are you single? Well, WHY are you married? Because you found the right person. I know how lucky I am that I met Alex, and I am amazed every day. I hope you find your person. I hope all of my friends find their people. But being single is far better than being with the wrong person. Sending you all the love.
I agree. It's all timing and luck, not a choice. Hopefully, one of these days my luck will turn around? Haha!
Thank you for posting this! Luckily, I don't have people shaming me to my face (although I can't help but wonder what they're thinking about the 33-year-old single girl), but I still get those horrible "what's wrong with me?" feelings, too. It's too bad that having a great job and great friends and living life to the fullest isn't enough; that being mate-less creates these feelings of anxiety. We just have to keep fighting the good fight!
Exactly! It's a shame people are so quick to shame you for what they perceive you should have vs. praising you for what you do have.
I'm a single girl in her 30's! And yeah, it can be a bit of a pain in the ass to have to deal with those pointed questions and losing friends to family obligations, but there are still plenty of single people out there who are awesome to hang out with... and being with them really makes you realize that it's not that uncommon these day for people to stay single well into their 30's and 40's. Plus, it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person.
I couldn't agree more. I 100% would rather be alone than with someone that drives me crazy or plays games. No one needs that extra stress.
Don't you wish that sticks and stones were the only things that hurt you? Dave and I get the question of when are you getting married, having kids etc all the time. It's like let us figure life out please. We don't want to rush anything. Too many people skip all the important steps like loving themselves first and finding out if the person they say I do to is someone they can effectively communicate with and shares similar wants/needs/desires. I think too many people settle over and over again in all aspects of life. I say congrats to you for not settling.
Thank you for that friend. I couldn't agree with you more on settling. I'd say it wasn't until a few years ago that I really truly knew who I was and felt ready for a real relationship. Too many people don't even know themselves and rush through everything in life. I'm on my own timeline and I wish other people would just respect that. And for you guys too! xoxo
This is super tough. I'm amazed at the number of people who can't seem to think about how comments will make someone else feel. If it's any consolation, I think you're doing a great job of being you and it takes a lot to be able to share all of this with so many people.
It's like the strangers who ask me why I limp. They have no right asking or at least asking in that way. And thank you for that. Sometimes you just need to write to get it off your chest!
Thank you for writing this! I am in this same situation and have heard the same comments as you too many times. I am grateful for what I have in my life and I try to stay positive but some days it gets to me. I will be 38 next month and all my friends are married with kids or kids on the way so I too have to do my travel planning on my own and it makes it harder to go out on the weekends for a girl's night! I also limit checking my Facebook because I don't like feeling like "life" is happening all around me! I still hope I will meet the right one and when I do, I may just appreciate it more than if I met him when I was younger! 🙂 Thanks again, it makes me feel like my thoughts are not unusual in this situation!
You are definitely not unusual. It helps knowing I am not alone. What you said about feeling like life is happening around you, completely sums up how I feel. Everyone is living these wonderful lives that I have not been granted and that hurts. That's much of the reason why I don't go on FB unless it's for the blog. It's just too hard watching everyone with their families and kids, and feeling like you have nothing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Thank you for writing this! I am in this same situation and have heard the same comments as you too many times. I am grateful for what I have in my life and I try to stay positive but some days it gets to me. I will be 38 next month and all my friends are married with kids or kids on the way so I too have to do my travel planning on my own and it makes it harder to go out on the weekends for a girl's night! I also limit checking my Facebook because don't like feeling like "life" is happening all around me! I still hope I will meet the right one and when I do, I may just appreciate more than if I met him when I was younger! 🙂 Thanks again, it makes me feel like my thoughts are not unusual in this situation!
You are most definitely not unusual! It's hard for people to understand what this feels like at this age, and like you said it's difficult not to feel like everyone is living life around you based on what you see.
"You may as well tell me I'm fat, dumb and ugly." <- This. I think people genuinely don't realize how hurtful asking somebody who's single for the reasons or why they aren't seeing anybody. Oh, because it's so easy, right? Not.
Feel hugged. I know those comments and yes, family members often tend to be the ones asking the most. In a way I think it's because they want us to be happy but these questions don't help.
Very true. Sometimes we need to recognize how we ask makes a difference. Sending hugs back! 🙂
Aw, girl, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of that. You are amazing, no matter what your love life looks like. I hope you can continue to surround yourself with people who don't ask those awkward questions and instead focus on how you're doing as a person!
It mostly comes from family and it's kind of hard to avoid them. I try to ignore it, but after 20+ years of hearing about it you just finally break!
Permission granted to kick anyone's butt who ever says "what's wrong with you."
I find a lot of women these days are single because they rather focus on themselves and being successful. I guess marriage isn't for everyone and it isn't a bad thing being single.
xx
Well, thanks but that's sort of hard when it's your family. And it's not that I don't want to be married. It's that I've never found the right person.
I completely agree with your sentiment- some of the most beautiful, successful, intelligent women I know anywhere from their 20s to 80s are single and always have been! Their lives are rich and full and they are happy and ooze joy and confidence.
But I also know that many of them have felt society 'shame' them for choosing to live that way (whether it was always the way they wanted it to be, or the way it 'turned out'). Or, they've felt invalidated in a world that somehow expects everyone to have a partner.
I'm so sorry that you've been hurt by others expectations and had to endure things alone that you should have had support or company for. I know you know this, but I just want to reinforce that your worth is absolutely NOT affected by whether or not you have a romantic relationship. It's not wrong.
"Maybe something better is planned for me". My belief is you're absolutely right.
And I love your blog. xx
Thank you so very much for your thoughtful comment Elizabeth, and I hope you're right that the waiting will pay off someday.
What a beautiful post. You are so right.. there is such a double standard and it isn't fair. I think more and more women are choosing to not get married or have children and there is a social stigma around both of those. Everyone has to live there own life and it is important to do you. I would rather be single than unhappily married. You are awesome, don't let anyone tell you differently!
Thank you! This post is one that's been a long time coming and it felt therapeutic to get it out.