18 months ago was my first injury. Fast forward to today, a torn plantar fascia in the left foot and a right tibia fracture from a car accident. At this point, I couldn't be more emotionally, mentally and physically beaten down. I'm tired of resting, tired of being in pain, tired of not being able to live my life and tried of being a prisoner to my body. I want my life back. Dear body this is my plea.
Dear Body,
I'm sad and I know you're sad too. The last 18 months I've felt like a prisoner. A prisoner to you, my own body. I've woken up every day for 18 months in some form of pain. It began in January 2014 with a right heal stress fracture, a right ankle stress fracture in October 2014, a left plantar fascia tear in April 2015 and now a right tibia fracture. I can't be in pain anymore. This has to stop.
During these 18 months, I've done everything I can to help you heal. I've rested more, I've stopped doing cardio. The little bit of elliptical and biking I do do shouldn't hurt you. I even stopped running and walking. I started eating more and taking better nutrients. I went to the best doctors and therapists. I've missed vacations. I've missed fun with friends. So much fun. I've put all my personal goals on hold. I've lost fitness. I've gained weight. I've missed work. I've missed life. 18 months of life. I've put my entire life on hold. I've given up everything for you. For you to heal and be happy.
I know I haven't always treated you the best I could, but I don't deserve to be this unhappy and neither do you. I want to be happy again.
I don't deserve to be in pain every single day. I don't deserve to be in a boot or on crutches or in therapy. You don't deserve to be this weak. You're so much stronger than this. I don't know what I've done wrong to make you this angry with me. What I do know, is I can't be your prisoner anymore. I can't live my life this way. Enough is enough. This is my plea.
Set me free & I promise to be listen to you more.
Set me free & I promise to rest more.
Set me free & I promise to feed you good food.
Set me free & I promise I'll pay it forward to those who've helped you heal.
Set me free & I promise I'll stretch after every workout.
Set me free & I promise I'll do less cardio.
Set me free & I promise I'll stress less.
Set me free & I promise to wear supportive shoes instead of flip flops.
Set me free & I promise to swim more.
Set me free & I promise I'll forgive, love & cherish you again.
Body, I didn't know what was making you so very sick. How could I know? It was so mysterious. But now that I do know, it's time. Time to heal. I don't want to be your victim anymore. I want to live my life again. Love, laugh, run and cry tears of joy not tears of pain. I beg you body...give me my life back. Free me from this hell I've been living. Tell me what you need because I can't be your prisoner anymore.
[Tweet "I Don't Want To Be A Prisoner Anymore, Dear Body This Is My Plea @FitFluential @FitApproach"]
Lots of Health, Food & Love,
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Melinda says
Dear Megan,
I sympathize with you. My body betrays me too.
Keep on hanging in there.
Love,
Megan says
Thank you Melinda, I'm hanging on.
Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday says
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! Between chronic pain and IBS, I feel annoyed and angry at my body quite a bit, too. I can do all the right things and it all still feels like a mess. I hope your body responds to all your efforts quickly and you can get back to the life you want to lead. And if you ever want to vent, feel free to reach out.
Megan says
I'm so sorry to hear about your chronic pain. I know very well how pain can affect who you are. You just don't feel like yourself. Thank you so very much Ellen for your kindness.
Yaara Leve says
Megan,
If I could wave a magic wand and make you magically healed--I would so do it!! You deserve it and you need it! I'm so sorry you're going through all this shit! Sorry for swearing--but it sucks! All I can say is the body DOES HEAL! I know it doesn't feel like it but you will. I also strained my knee and am trying to take it easy--but my body hurts too and it sucks!
Just take it one day at at time. There will be good days and there will be bad. But the body will heal. My mother tore both of her shoulders last year. She is an avid swimmer and an intense Yogini. She was swimming and doing intense Ashtanga yoga everyday for many years and finally both shoulders tore.
She had surgery this past year--and honestly--it was so difficult and painful for me to see her feel so broken. But you know what? She gave it time and she healed. Now she does PT religiously and she's not 100% but everyday her body gets stronger. You will too! Maybe once you give your body some time to get adjusted to the new hormones things will balance out.
And don't worry--I've seen your recent pics! It does not look at all like you've gained weight--you actually look really skinny and lean! So don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm always here if you want to talk or vent.
Yaara
Megan says
I'm so glad I have you and all my readers to lean on right now Yaara. I can't say any of my friends have even come to my house or called me. I just keep telling myself I'm going through this to help others. That and the love I get from all of you is my motivation for moving forward. Still it's frustrating. 18 months is a LONG time to not feel like yourself. In some way, I feel like someone is telling me I need to change my path in life. I don't know if I'm imagining it, but it keeps popping into my mind. I can't believe you think I look skinny, but THANK YOU for the compliment. I still can't fit into many of my clothes from before last year. You know what though? My friend Kevin told me I was too skinny before & look better now. Then earlier this week at the gym I had a really hot guy tell me how great I look. He said "whatever you're doing, you just need to keep doing." That made me feel so good. Funny thing is I'm doing less cardio. Only swimming and lifting weights for months now. That's another reason I don't know if I'm just eating better or what. Anyway THANK YOU for the compliment. Talk soon friend! xoxo
Gianna @ Run, Lift, Repeat says
I'm so sorry - you have really been through a lot and you deserve to be on the mend instead of dealing with more injuries.
I can understand your frustrations though dealing with Crohn's. I will do everything "right" and yet still my body rebels. There is no greater sense of despair than knowing you are being proactive and yet you are not getting better. Sending hugs your way, continue to stay strong!
Megan says
I really didn't need a car accident to add to the list. It scares me though how that impact fractured my leg. How is that possible? I keep trying to figure that out in my mind. Thanks for the hugs Gianna! I really need them.
Heather@hungryforbalance says
I hate that you are dealing with so much right now. It seems so unfair when our bodies "betray" us like this! I have not been the kindest to my body over the years and as a result, it is definitely not been kind to me lately. Love and prayers your way!
Megan says
Thank you Heather! I really appreciate that.
Emily says
Aww Megan. I"m really sad to read your letter, because it makes me feel really bad that you can't be active like you would like to, but don't give up girl. We all have injuries, and it takes so much time, patience, and care to right your body again. So keep it up. The rest of us are behind you in the endeavor.
Megan says
You're so sweet Emily. I really am grateful I have all of you guys to lean on. I can't say many of my real friends have been around much.
Amanda @ .running with spoons. says
So sorry to hear that you're going through this, Megan 🙁 I experienced the same sort of thing when I was going through my eating disorder, and it frustrated me to no end when I noticed that I was still feeling like crap all the time, despite the fact that I was treating my body way better. All I can say is that it takes time and you need to be patient. For me it was years and years before things finally started going back to normal. Hang in there -- sending you tonnes of positive vibes <3
Megan says
My doctor told me know that they figured out what's causing me to not absorb nutrients and are changing my diet that it can take up to a year to recover. It's so scary how fragile our bodies are.
Hollie says
I'm so sorry to hear about your injuries, that doesn't sound pleasant at all. I've had my fair share of injuries before so I can completely relate to some of this. I do hope you are able to heal sooner rather than later.
Megan says
Thank you Hollie. I hope my body heals sooner too, but I guess only time will tell.
Emanuele @ guyslovecooking says
Really sorry to hear this. A big hug and positive vibes to you. Hopefully your body is listening!!!!
Megan says
I really hope so
Jamie says
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've unfortunately dealt with similar frustrations in relation to my Crohn's. It's not an easy process and it's beyond difficult to do everything we can to help heal our body, yet it just isn't working the way it should. I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts and hoping for a quick recovery.
Megan says
I didn't know you had Crohn's Jamie. Part of me feels guilty complaining about my injuries when I could have cancer or some chronic illness. But I think what's hard is when everything in your body shuts down all at once and for an extended period of time it can be difficult to get up everyday and deal with it.
Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood says
Such a great post. I've never had to deal with as much as you have been through, but you're such a strong person for sticking through it all.
Megan says
Thanks Morgan, we all have our own hard. I don't really have any choice but to push through it.
Judy @ Chocolaterunsjudy says
That is an awful lot to deal with; here's hoping you come through the other end a stronger person. Probably not what you really want to hear, but I'm sorry (which I am) seems so little.
Megan says
I feel like my story is meant to help others. I keep telling myself that to get through this.
SuzLyfe (@suzlyfe) says
This makes me so sad. PS I didn't know that it was a tibial fracture, and I am so sorry to hear that. I think that sometimes, our bodies just read a breaking point. When everything goes wrong. But I think you need to (and I think that you are doing so) empower yourself to understand this as a fresh start. You now have the chance to reboot, to re-realize where you want to go, what you want to do, and reenforce why you want to be doing it.
And, as I've often said, you don't really have another choice, so why try to fight it? Instead, use it to your advantage. You will find a way to do that. I'm sure of it.
Megan says
I love your advice and I needed to hear it too. All I've been wanting to do is sleep all week. I don't want to deal with any of this. I also think my body is exhausted, but you're right it is a good time to refocus. I know what I should be doing. I just don't have any idea how to make it happen and the ups/downs with my body these past 18 months has made it impossible to put anything into motion.
Michele @ paleorunningmomma says
Really so sorry you're going through this Megan! I know that feeling of bargaining though, and it's so tough to feel like you have no control over what your body does. Terrible feeling. I'm sure people will read this and know they're not alone. Sending hugs your way!
Megan says
It's frustrating when I've backed off my fitness, eat really well and try to do everything right yet nothing is good enough. I'm tired of my entire life being on hold and sitting on my butt all the time not able to do anything. 18 months is a long time to be injured.
LiShawn says
HI Megan, sorry to hear about your injuries. I have recently sustained some sort of ligament damage/strain in my foot and the pain was horrible just walking on it. I had to stop going to body attack classes due to it's high impact nature but fortunately still able to do the elliptical and body pump class. I am so frustrated as i still can't do body attack but i know my body needs time to heal. It is frustrating but we have to be alive our bodies will heal! It just takes some time unfortunately.
LiShawn says
sorry typing error i meant believe!
Megan says
I'm sorry to hear about your foot pain. I've been dealing with foot issues for over 18 months. It's painful! Unfortunately we need our feet for everything. I hope you heal soon.