Women who tear other women down. Why do they do it?
This is the question that’s been on my mind lately. When I was in high school, I couldn’t wait for the day when the petty bickering, one upping and ganging up on each other would stop. I always expected women would grow up and out of this ritual. Apparently not. It drove me crazy then and it drives me crazy now. Unfortunately no matter what age you are, there are still mean girls.
Women have long fought for equality which has forced us to turn on each other to feel like we’re getting a step ahead of the next person. But how far ahead are we really getting in life by ditching friends, putting each other down and making ourselves look like jerks in front of others?
Undoubtedly women are under extreme pressure to prove themselves. Prove their worth in the workplace, that they’re deserving of a salary or promotion, show they’re just as good, if not better, than their male counterparts, be the perfect mothers & wives all while maintaining their health, fitness and good looks. That’s a lot of pressure. This is in no way a feminist call to action, but simply to highlight where meanness stems from. If we understand where it comes from, then maybe we can understand how to stop it.
How do women prove themselves? By tearing other women down. If you make someone else feel bad, then you’ll feel better, right? The problem with that is it spawns an unhealthy behavior cycle. It’s like a heroin addiction. You have to do it more and more to get the same “high” otherwise you’ll never feel “good enough.” You become stressed chasing the need over and over again and later depressed from the hurt you cause (unless you’re heartless). Nothing about this behavior is positive or good for the mind, body or soul.
Many women are insecure and lack confidence. Whether it’s their mind, body, job, family, money or just where they are in life; women feel insecure in one way or another. Those insecurities lead to the comparison trap which all of us are guilty of. Women are constantly comparing themselves to other women. “Why can’t I have her legs?” “She’s skinnier than me.” “I want her fashion sense.” “I wish I was as fit as her.” “If only I was as successful as she was.” “She has the perfect life. She has it all” The insecurities directly translate into you being a target for bullying because you’re seen as a threat. Nothing you do or say can change the insecurities of another woman.
The oxymoron in this is that women would be much stronger bonding together and building each other up, unifying like men do. When was the last time you saw men getting snippy at each other? Men aren’t mean to each other, don’t pick on one another, don’t create drama. Unlike women, men build each other up and support one another. They have each other’s back. Go to any gym and you’ll see this in action.
Us women need to break the cycle. We must stop seeing each other as rivals. The world is big enough for us to be our individual selves and live in it peacefully. We need to bond in sisterhood circles not cliques, but safe places where women are free to be real. Most importantly we must make conscious choices to replace mean words with nice, kind, compassionate, and empathetic ones. Too often this is viewed as being weak. It’s not. It shows we’re strong and confident. To do these things means in our choices and practices we need to stop tearing each other down and start building each other up and we can do that in 3 ways.
Respect
Respect each others beliefs, backgrounds, boundaries and differences. Everyone comes from a different place in life. Grew up with different morals and beliefs. Respect those differences and recognize everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. The key is figuring out how to leverage those differences so it’s a win-win for both parties. One person’s strengths may be your weakness. It’s a lost opportunity for your personal growth when you when you don’t leverage those differences.
Uplift
Be the positive force that uplifts women as opposed to tearing them down. Instead of trying to find the negative in the person, find the good. We all have a tendency to jump to the bad. Not everyone has bad intentions or is out to get you. Understand where the other person is coming from before jumping to conclusions. Gossiping and spreading rumors about someone gives a false sense of control and it’s only temporary. Ask yourself what am I gaining by tearing down this person and how would I feel if someone where doing this to me?
Be careful about how quickly you pass judgment on one another. Take a step back and ask yourself is this person going through personal challenges. Maybe they’re not themselves for some reason. Maybe they need your positive energy to get out of their funk and sadness. Think about how good you’d feel if you were that positive force that did that for them.
Encourage
Stop looking for flaws and defects in the successes and accomplishments of other women. There seems to always be someone who can add a “but” when she hears another woman is doing well. It’s a subtle put down that women do all the time. Or they chose to ignore the other woman’s achievement. Silence is another form of put down. Give praise when it’s due and make it an intentional gesture. It won’t take anything away from you, it won’t make you less-than, in fact it will set you more. It will set you on a higher path to creating positive relationships with other women.
I encourage you… stop the cycle of tearing each other down instead support one another in a healthy and positive way. One small change or act of kindness can make all the difference. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be the uplifting role model for future generations.
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WOW, love this post!! Thank you for taking the time to write and share!
Glad you liked it!
Well said!!! We are much much stronger when we work together and complement each other with our strengths. We are all different, that is why it never gets boring. We may not have that “thing” but we may have that other BIGGER and STRONGER “thing” 😉
That’s what it’s all about…leveraging each others differences and strengths. You got it! Now spread the word.
I love this so much! So well said Megan. I’ve experienced both strong female friendships and also the bad types of relationships. When women truly unite without pretense/judgement/jealousy it’s an amazing thing 🙂
It’s something us women forget and we often need a reminder.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. Honestly, I have dealt with women over the past ten years (at work, etc) who were so hurtful towards other women at times that it seriously bordered on bullying. In fact, I had a boss like that, and I got so sick of her coming in and talking so disrespectfully about other female employees to me, that I put a big picture of Eleanor Roosevelt with her amazing quote, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent” and told her that I felt it was inappropriate and awful that she felt the need to put others down just to get through the work day. She ended up apologizing to me the next day for it, but just found another person willing to listen to it, because I wasn’t having it. I treat others the way I would like to be treated. I think living by that rule should also always help to build others up. Great post, Megan!
Thank you and I’m glad you stood up for yourself and that you got resolve. I love that quote! There’s a few people I know who could use that reminder.
The sad part is it doesn’t stop at any age….
I know & it has to stop.
I find it so sad when I see women doing this to each other. It holds us back completely. It totally plays into the idea we need to compete with each other when there is enough success to go around for everyone. Great post.
Thanks Lauren!
Well this post is a breath of fresh air for me today. Building others up, whether it’s women, friends, siblings and/or coworkers is always a good thing to do. Thank you for these positive thoughts, Megan!
I’m so happy you liked it Ashley. I wasn’t sure what the response would be from my readers, but it’s been extremely positive.
<3 Love this so much. I've never understood how people could be so cruel to each other, and I feel like it's gotten even worse now that people can hide behind anonymity on a platform like the internet. Sure I have my snarkier moments (usually when tired and/or hungry), but at the end of the day, I don't want someone to suffer because of something I said or did. I think it's important to remember to see people as PEOPLE, each with an inherent worth. That and to remember that everyone is going through their own sh*t and their actions might just be a reflection of that.
Thanks, Amanda! Speaking of going through stuff, don’t you also feel like people pick on your more when you’re down? Or are you just more sensitive to it? Either way I think people need to keep that in mind in how they treat one another.
This is a beautiful post, thank you so much for writing about this and so eloquently. I’ve been bullied by girls throughout highschool and luckily that is years behind me now and I have lovely female friends who all support one another. I completely agree that we are much stronger together! Blog posts like this help us be the change, thanks so much for this girl! You nailed it 🙂
I’m so glad you liked it and thank you!
Mean girls in high school were nothing compared to the judgy mcjudger moms I meet! Some people are just ridiculous and I don’t get it. Women would be SOO much better off if we lifted each other up instead of trying to bring another one down!
I think many women are insecure & try to make themselves feel better by pointing out the flaws in others. I agree. Older can be meaner.
Can I just tell you I saw the title to your blog and thought…YESSS!!! Love this blog post because it is something I have actually been thinking about a lot lately. I get women can be insecure. I mean I know I have some insecurities but you don’t see me being mean to others. I love to be everyone’s cheerleader, but wish other women would do the same. The mean girls don’t just stop at high school. I have had to deal with some in college, at work, and recently some at the gym. The gym one really bothers me. Why do women bring other women down? So frustrating but your post was so greatly written. Thanks for sharing Megan!
I know, it happens at every age and every place. It’s up to us to inspire the change. I’m so happy you liked it. Thanks lovely lady!
The gym one is strange. The women at my gym are very supportive along with the men. There are a lot of triathletes. Everyone helps each other. Generally that has been my experience at gyms. Outside of gyms, forget it. BUT we have to spread the word and be examples of the change that is needed.
I love this post! Something everyone needs to hear! I have had both types of women in my life. You know the ones that start out as friends and then things go really good for you and all of a sudden they turn into the mean, caddy girls. I have learned to walk away. I would rather have just a couple really good friends then a handful of the other! It is to bad……. and yes men are a whole lot different for sure! Have a great weekend!
The ones that start out as friends then turn their back on you when you most need them are the worst kind. That’s the kind that prompted this post. I had a friend who turned her back on me when I was injured and really needed her. She let her pride & job take priority over her friend. Glad you enjoyed the post!
Very encouraging post and so much truth to it. Men are so much less complicated!!! It helps to realize that the “mean girl” attitude is usually fueled by insecurities and lack of self confidence. Even though it doesn’t make hurtful words any less painful, it does help to realize that the mean girl is hurting inside too and may need a little grace.
I know I’ve said hurtful things to people and I’ve known a few mean girls in my life, too! It is time to break that cycle.
We all have our moments when we’re not at our best. Admitting that we’re feeling weak and being empathetic is the hard part. Glad you liked the post.
Great post! It wasn’t too long ago that my daughter had her first experience with mean girls. She handled it like a champ!
Would you mind including a link back to Fitness Friday? Trying to grow the link up 🙂
Thanks and have a wonderful weekend!
Of course! Sorry about that, I’m usually good about doing it.
this post left me “verklempft” however you spell it. I don’t even have the words that adequately convey how much I loved it. As someone else said, it doesn’t stop and happens at ANY age. I am 59 and experience it ALL of the time. The worst is when some women betray a confidence, after THEY share their feelings about something (or someone or a group), and you do too………..then they go and narc ….for whatever reason. They may have said things that were equally as negative but they felt compelled to have to go and tell what you said. This happened to me at a blogging conference and has made me smarter and less likely to trust or open up with certain bloggers who like to share info to benefit themselves. (It was in the pet niche…not general blogging). I no longer completely trust anyone in the pet blogging community. My guard is always up.
This was basically the reason I started my MRTT running group and why I think it’s been so successful. We’ve found a group of ladies who constantly support and lift up each other no matter what their fitness level is.
That’s awesome! I wish all bad experiences fueled positive outcomes.
This is an awesome post! Thanks for sharing. I’m surrounded by supportive runner girls now, but that hasn’t always been the case. Another part of this is also knowing when to walk away from non-supportive people. It takes courage to say enough!
I enjoyed your post and will be featuring it this week on Family Fun Friday!
Thank you! Glad you liked the post.
I love this post. I just now read it from your most recent post on the Thursday linkup, and I agree that it’s so easy for women to take their insecurities out on other women. However, that’s never helpful, and it’s always far more helpful to put on thinking about what you love about the other person, instead of focusing on nitpicking or comparison.
Loved this!! This should be a must read for all women.
I wish I could share with every woman because I think we all need to hear it and be reminded of it. So glad you loved it!