A few weeks ago, something happened to me. Something unexpected. Not something goofy or crazy but for once, something good. Something really good. I realized my weight does not define my self worth.
One morning when I was lifting weights at the gym, a guy I've seen there everyday for two years approached me, introduced himself to me and told me how good, lean and fit I look.
In my head, I call him soccer man. I nickname the people at my gym. You may remember crazy lifting guy and the mayor. Well this guy looks like a soccer player. Turns out he is a soccer player.
Did I ever call that. He's ripped too, but not overly beefy in a gross way. We chatted a bit and discovered we're both into photography.
He's actually a professional and was curious about my skills which I'm always reluctant to tell people because I don't have a lot of confidence in my amateur picture taking. Still it's always good to know someone in the biz. But I digress...
A few days later, he corned me planking doing floor work after my swim. He asked if we could workout together. I looked around curiously thinking "why?" I mean this guy is uber buff why would he want to workout with me?
Now I've been out of the dating scene for awhile, but I'm fairly sure he's feeling me out, if you know what I mean (don't get excited Mom, remember the teenage Valentine boy).
He read the question in my head and went on to tell me how he sees me there everyday, seeing how hard I work, pushing myself to be better and the impressive amount of determination and focus I have for fitness.
He told me "you're such an inspiration to everyone here." Even though I know he has ulterior motives, I know he's right. In fact, he's not the first person who's told me this. A woman on the elliptical next to me said the same exact thing two months ago.
How I look now
You know what my lame response was? "Thank you, but I'm not exactly where I want to be. I used to be skinny" as I pointed to a girl on the squat press & explained how I used to be her size before I was injured last year.
I really need "to lose 10 pounds" I said. He looked at her then looked at me shaking his head like I was crazy. He said "that is so unattractive." "Someone who looks fit and healthy like you is so much more attractive. Your size is perfect."
The biggest challenge I've faced since the beginning of my cycle of injuries and hormone problems has been accepting the physical changes to my body while it's healing.
I can't say I love my new shape, but I always have to remind myself I'm in a much healthier place. The last two months before the car accident I've finally been able to get results reshaping my body to how I want it to look with strength training.
Something you can't do with running or walking. I know I will get to the version of my body I want to achieve but as Jody says, it takes time.
How I looked two years ago
Talking to soccer man, made me see myself through someone else's eyes. After talking to him, I looked at old pictures of myself. I was stunned at how thin I was.
My ex boyfriend always told me I was too frail and frequently asked me to eat more. I always thought it was his thing to nag me about and never believed it were true.
My friend Kevin also admitted to me when I was in Tucson visiting that he always felt I was too thin and that he thought I looked much healthier now.
What soccer man said to me didn't change the way I feel about the shape of my body, rather it made me appreciate I wasn't the rail thin person in these pictures anymore.
The thing about that girl at the gym I pointed to is she is me. She is me two years ago.
She looks exactly like I did in these pictures. I've watched her body change this year. She's become scary thin. I've thought to myself many times how awful she looks and wondered is she getting a period?
I see her admire her rail thin arms in pride all the while I'm fearing for her because I know what a dangerous place she's in.
I desperately want to tell her my story, explain how she is damaging her body restricting too many calories or working out too much, shake her by the shoulders and shout "YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS."
It wasn't until I looked at these old pictures of myself that I realized. I used to look like that girl. All this time I've been chasing to get my lean physique back believing I'm not worth anything unless I look this way again.
I can't go on a date, can't go on vacation, can't live my life unless I look good again. I didn't look good. I didn't even look strong or fit. How very wrong I've been.
How I looked two years ago
Since talking with soccer man, I've been thinking a lot about my weight and self worth. I think it's easy to correlate an insecurity with our bodies to how much we value ourselves.
Too often we confuse our self worth with our weight, the pictures we see, the messages we read or the words we hear others say regarding our appearance.
I hate how these things influence how we value ourselves and that we, in turn, put unnecessary pressure on ourselves.
It doesn't seem fair. Last year at this time I felt so much resentment toward my body for being injured.
Now I've been feeling a lot more gratitude for it. It may not look exactly how I want it to look or be what social media says it should be, but it's my body.
I've accomplished a lot with this body. I lost 80 pounds with this body and while I may have gained 10 much needed pounds while I was injured, I'm certainly not overweight or out of shape.
Despite my current injuries, I'm the fittest I've ever been. I feel grateful I'm able to move and experience life with this body. I may not be thin but I'm strong, I'm fit and I'm determined.
How I look now
The message for you is...be grateful for you. Everyday. Be grateful for who you are, what YOU can do & always work to be better.
Work for YOURSELF & cheer for yourself as well as others for their accomplishments. Appreciate what YOU CAN do & push yourself to do more. Don't compare.
Don't base your worth on worldly measures or insecurities.
Realize how WORTH IT YOU ARE and choose to be the BEST and HEALTHIEST version of you because YOU are WORTH it. Your weight does not define your self worth. You do.
Ashley @ A Lady Goes West says
Hi Megan! Amen, sister! This is a wonderful post and very inspiring. Too often we base our happiness off of appearance, when really it should be about how we feel and our achievement. It's pretty cool that you've come to a good place! Love it!
Megan says
I certainly have a long way to go, but some of that is busting out of this injury cycle and getting well again. Part of healing I think is accepting my new body. Thank you for your support as always Ashley.
Mary says
You know, the way I feel about other people and if they are "worthy" of my time (har har) is how they treat other people. are they jerks? are they mean? do they help others whenever they can? I want to be around people who are kind (and sarcastic, but not mean about it), who want to do good in the world.
And yet, my self worth comes from what I look like. WHAT?! That's so backwards!!!
Megan says
That sounds like a much needed follow on post. I never thought about that, but you are so right Mary.
Amanda - RunToTheFinish says
no doubt I go through phases where I start to really judge my body, though nothing has changed! I think it happens when I'm worried about how I "think" others perceive me or when I've been indulging too much. Luckily as I've gotten older I can break out of that faster!
Megan says
I think as we age we become much more comfortable with who we are and with accepting our choices. Such an honor to have you comment Amanda!
Jen @ Pretty Little Grub says
I'm so happy to see you come to this realization. Honestly, when seeing your photos before I always thought you were too thin and it worried me.
Right now you're thin but healthy. Weight on a scale is a number, nothing more.
Megan says
Thanks for your honesty Jen! I truly appreciate it.
Caroline M says
Wonderful post and so inspiring. It is so hard to accept and see ourselves the way others see us. We're our own worst critics. You look so amazing, strong, fit, and confident and that's the most beautiful thing 🙂
Megan says
Isn't it amazing how others see us so differently? Thank you Caroline!
Sarah says
As your long time friend and someone who loves you, I am so joyful to read these words. You will live content when you hold gratitude and acceptance of whoever you (and others) are in heart.
Megan says
Thank you for being you and always being there. Love you. xoxo
Cailee says
Girl!! You are such an inspiration! You don't need to lose a pound!! Keep being healthy and happy!! 🙂 Thanks for speaking TRUTH! Weight does not define someone!
Megan says
Thank you Calilee! That means so much.
Jill @ Champagne for Everyday says
I love this post - I wish I could share it with every person I grew up with and all of those who still struggle. I think it stems from this insanely ingrained dysmorphia so many women have with respect to what they look like. If only they knew that others perceived them as beautiful, and could feel the same way.
It's so mental, and changing that thought pattern is difficult. I'm excited you're succeeding with this - we all have our down days.
xx
Megan says
If I had a magic wand, I'd make everyone feel secure with themselves and their bodies. How many times do you hear someone compliment someone for being thin, but not very often is someone complimented for having a great personality or being genuine.
Amanda @ .running with spoons. says
It's always so hard to appreciate our bodies for the way they look in the moment. I can look at pictures of myself from my late teens and early 20's, and think I looked pretty damn good, when I remember feeling like my body could use tonnes of work when I was actually that age. It took a long time for it to really sink in that my worth doesn't depend on how I look, but it's definitely been a liberating feeling.
Megan says
I can imagine it must feel freeing. It's definitely something I have to work on, but the more people tell me that the easier it is for me to begin seeing myself that way.
Emily says
I really love this. Our own idea of how we look is often so much different from how most people see us. The more we say this and the more we talk about this, the more freedom I think we'll see from fitness stigmas. 🙂 Thank you Megan for your honesty!
Megan says
I'm so glad you appreciated it Emily. I'm never sure how my truth will be perceived.
Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood says
Such a perfect and eloquently said post. I lost 45 pounds 4 years ago and definitely got a little too skinny. It really did rule my life. I obviously gained weight when I got pregnant and had my son and still have a few more pounds to go, but I don't think I'll ever get back to where I was. As long as I'm healthy and happy, I'm fine with a few extra pounds. That weight wasn't only unhealthy but terribly hard on me physically and mentally to maintain.
Megan says
Congrats on that weight loss and the son too! I think it's interesting how we compare ourselves to our lowest weight even though we know that may not be where we should be. I'm glad you've been able to make peace with that and move beyond it. That's something I still need to work on.
Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday says
You look amazing! And it really is so hard to see ourselves the same way others do. It's eye-opening when someone gives you an outsider's take and you really believe it. Then, you realize you're a whole lot more than your weight, and it's a wonderful feeling. Love this post, Megan!
Megan says
Thank you for that sweet compliment, Ellen! I think we are our own worst critics and sometimes it's hard to appreciate what you have.
SuzLyfe (@suzlyfe) says
I think that when you get stuck in the weight loss mindset, you truly get stuck in it--when things change, you can't see the forest for the trees. I think you look incredible--strong, fit, healthy and capable of doing whatever is put in front of you, not like it might break you. The problem is that you defined yourself as successful at a certain weight because at the time it was about reaching that weight, not about what you could accomplish then. You need to set a new standard of success for yourself so that you can see yourself as successful in the present, because you are!!!
Megan says
Suz, you are so wise! I love this advice and you too. You're right. I do need a new goal, but right now my goal is to heal and then my next goal will be learning to walk again.
Michele @ paleorunningmomma says
Interesting that you can now look back and see you were too thin to be healthy. I've had that experience and also found its tough to see it in the moment. And yes, we are all so much more than our looks/how lean we are/ workouts/diet, etc!!
Megan says
It amazes me how others see you so different than you see yourself.
Judy @ Chocolaterunsjudy says
You do not need to be thinner. If anything, I'd say you could still stand to gain a little! You look good, but you're still very thin.
As a person who has struggled with her weight most of her life - I get it. And you're right, we are much more than our weight.
I can also tell you that 20 years from now, most likely, you will look at these photos & say to yourself why wasn't I happy with my weight then? I looked so good! Or maybe even too thin.
Megan says
Thank you Judy! That's such a nice compliment. Only the first and last pictures are of me now. The ones in between are when I was very thin. You're probably right too about getting old and looking back wondering why I wasn't content with where I am now.