My injury changed my body and now I resent it.
Days, weeks, months of spin classes waiting for my foot to heal resulted in my glutes and quads developing and lifting. Those were muscles I had, but not that big. Most ladies would die for a nice round, lifted tush but I feel as if my body suddenly creeped into the the fat girl I used to be. To be fair, I’m still a size 2 or 4 (same as before), but I’m a different shape. My clothes don’t fit the same. Some of my pants don’t fit this large butt I’ve grown and I don’t like it. I hate it. I resent it. It makes me angry. I like who I was before my injury and I resent my body for it.
2 Years Before Injury
2 Weeks Ago Post Injury
Part of me believes my injury happened because my body was unhappy with my weight. After losing 80 pounds, my body went a little nuts and rightfully so it’s a huge change in phisiology. A year after my weight loss, I stopped getting my periods even though I was on birth control. To be honest, I was perfectly fine with it because kids are not in my future at this point and it’s just one less thing to worry about. Shortly thereafter, I became iron deficient anemic and B12 deficient. On several occassions I was close to needing blood transfusions and had to give myself B12 injections regularly.
After undergoing every medical test known to man for a year, I finally said enough. I was tired of tests and being shuffled around between doctors and not getting answers. No doctor could figure out what the root cause was other than to say my weight loss had caused my body to freak out. To this day, I’m still a mystery. Personally I always felt my body just needed time to adjust and figure itself out.
Then last year happened.
Last November Pre-Injury
It was a rough year. I was under so much physical, mental and emotional stress. I have no idea how I survived it. Last year I lost another 10 pounds and not on purpose. At my lowest, I was 115 pounds and at 5’7″ that is considered under weight. I was rail thin. I was struggling and stressed beyond words. My doctor advised me to gain weight, which I did do by year end but it was too late. The damage was done and the stress fracture happened in late January. I image it happened due to my low weight.
Now I can’t tolerate looking at myself or putting on any of my clothes. I wear dresses so I can cover my huge legs and butt. Everyone says I look great and that it’s like having a baby…”you’ll get back to where you were before your injury”. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be rail thin like last year. Not at all. I hated the way I looked then, but I do want to look like I did before two years ago (1st pic). While I am trying to be optomistic, I can’t say I feel I will bounce back. You can’t blame me really. It’s been a long injury. It took 9 months just for my darn foot to heal. Is it going to be 2 years for me to lean out my lower half?
The thing is everyone thinks when you lose weight that suddenly it’s all easy. You never have to think about weight, calories, food, calorie burn, exercise or the size you wear again. But it’s not true, it’s HARDER. Weight loss is the easy part. It’s the aftermath that’s hard. That’s why so many people don’t sustain weight loss. It’s a constant battle. A mental war. I hate my body for being weak, injured and making me fight so hard to not be fat.
I’ve read that people who’ve experienced significant weight loss battle the rest of their lives to keep it off because their body will fight to get it back to its original size. I don’t want to be what my body thinks is good for me. I want my body and mind to agree so I can stop fighting this war. The thing about losing 80 pounds is you never accept it.
Year Before Weight Loss
It’s been been five years and I still don’t see myself as small. Sure I see the size 2 on my pants, but when I look in the mirror I still see that size 14 teenage girl. The girl with the big frumpy thighs, hips and butt. The girl who was picked on throughout high school for not being skinny. When you lose THAT MUCH WEIGHT, it’s hard to see yourself as something different. When I have to buy a size 4 instead of 2, I question it. Am I getting fat or is it the cut or is it my body trying to be a 14 again? All those questions swirl in my mind and prepare to battle.
It’s impossible not to worry that you won’t stay this way forever and that one day you will wake up fat.
My saving grace is my fitness. For months, I haven’t been able to workout and maintain the same physical conditioning that I have for many years. Although I watched my diet and worked out throughout my recovery, my body changed. Spinning worked different muscles and made them grow. To some people that would be a good thing, but those big muscles remind me of that fat girl I once was with her frumpy, fat legs.
Now that I’m finally able to workout the way I used to again, I hope those muscles will lean out and go back to the way they were. I also pray those people who tell me “you’ll get back to where you were before your injury” prove me right. Because I don’t like where I am right now and I don’t want to hate my body anymore or be scared of being fat. I want to be comfortable in my body again and let my mind be free.
If you’ve never lost a lot of weight or struggled with being over weight, I don’t expect you to understand this. I didn’t want to publish this because I know people will criticize me. But I know so many people out there are struggling with their weight and body image and I want them to know I DO GET IT! It’s not easy and it never will be easy. My advise to you is this. Stay focused and determined and love yourself enough to never give up.
No questions. Just your positive thoughts.
Linking up today with Amanada @ Running with Spoons
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