My injury changed my body and now I resent it.
Days, weeks, months of spin classes waiting for my foot to heal resulted in my glutes and quads developing and lifting. Those were muscles I had, but not that big. Most ladies would die for a nice round, lifted tush but I feel as if my body suddenly creeped into the the fat girl I used to be. To be fair, I'm still a size 2 or 4 (same as before), but I'm a different shape. My clothes don't fit the same. Some of my pants don't fit this large butt I've grown and I don't like it. I hate it. I resent it. It makes me angry. I like who I was before my injury and I resent my body for it.
2 Years Before Injury
2 Weeks Ago Post Injury
Part of me believes my injury happened because my body was unhappy with my weight. After losing 80 pounds, my body went a little nuts and rightfully so it's a huge change in phisiology. A year after my weight loss, I stopped getting my periods even though I was on birth control. To be honest, I was perfectly fine with it because kids are not in my future at this point and it's just one less thing to worry about. Shortly thereafter, I became iron deficient anemic and B12 deficient. On several occassions I was close to needing blood transfusions and had to give myself B12 injections regularly.
After undergoing every medical test known to man for a year, I finally said enough. I was tired of tests and being shuffled around between doctors and not getting answers. No doctor could figure out what the root cause was other than to say my weight loss had caused my body to freak out. To this day, I'm still a mystery. Personally I always felt my body just needed time to adjust and figure itself out.
Then last year happened.
Last November Pre-Injury
It was a rough year. I was under so much physical, mental and emotional stress. I have no idea how I survived it. Last year I lost another 10 pounds and not on purpose. At my lowest, I was 115 pounds and at 5'7" that is considered under weight. I was rail thin. I was struggling and stressed beyond words. My doctor advised me to gain weight, which I did do by year end but it was too late. The damage was done and the stress fracture happened in late January. I image it happened due to my low weight.
January Injury
Now I can't tolerate looking at myself or putting on any of my clothes. I wear dresses so I can cover my huge legs and butt. Everyone says I look great and that it's like having a baby..."you'll get back to where you were before your injury". Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be rail thin like last year. Not at all. I hated the way I looked then, but I do want to look like I did before two years ago (1st pic). While I am trying to be optomistic, I can't say I feel I will bounce back. You can't blame me really. It's been a long injury. It took 9 months just for my darn foot to heal. Is it going to be 2 years for me to lean out my lower half?
The thing is everyone thinks when you lose weight that suddenly it's all easy. You never have to think about weight, calories, food, calorie burn, exercise or the size you wear again. But it's not true, it's HARDER. Weight loss is the easy part. It's the aftermath that's hard. That's why so many people don't sustain weight loss. It's a constant battle. A mental war. I hate my body for being weak, injured and making me fight so hard to not be fat.
I've read that people who've experienced significant weight loss battle the rest of their lives to keep it off because their body will fight to get it back to its original size. I don't want to be what my body thinks is good for me. I want my body and mind to agree so I can stop fighting this war. The thing about losing 80 pounds is you never accept it.
Year Before Weight Loss
It's been been five years and I still don't see myself as small. Sure I see the size 2 on my pants, but when I look in the mirror I still see that size 14 teenage girl. The girl with the big frumpy thighs, hips and butt. The girl who was picked on throughout high school for not being skinny. When you lose THAT MUCH WEIGHT, it's hard to see yourself as something different. When I have to buy a size 4 instead of 2, I question it. Am I getting fat or is it the cut or is it my body trying to be a 14 again? All those questions swirl in my mind and prepare to battle.
It's impossible not to worry that you won't stay this way forever and that one day you will wake up fat.
Last Weekend
My saving grace is my fitness. For months, I haven't been able to workout and maintain the same physical conditioning that I have for many years. Although I watched my diet and worked out throughout my recovery, my body changed. Spinning worked different muscles and made them grow. To some people that would be a good thing, but those big muscles remind me of that fat girl I once was with her frumpy, fat legs.
Now that I'm finally able to workout the way I used to again, I hope those muscles will lean out and go back to the way they were. I also pray those people who tell me "you'll get back to where you were before your injury" prove me right. Because I don't like where I am right now and I don't want to hate my body anymore or be scared of being fat. I want to be comfortable in my body again and let my mind be free.
If you've never lost a lot of weight or struggled with being over weight, I don't expect you to understand this. I didn't want to publish this because I know people will criticize me. But I know so many people out there are struggling with their weight and body image and I want them to know I DO GET IT! It's not easy and it never will be easy. My advise to you is this. Stay focused and determined and love yourself enough to never give up.
Hi Megan,
I've been following you for a little while through other HLB blogs and thought I'd finally comment. First of all--you're beautiful and still really thin and fit! I can completely relate. I was severely overweight in high school. I'm 4ft. 11in--so I"m really short--so any extra weight shows up big time on me and I carry it all in my belly. I was bullied, judged and ridiculed all throughout middle school and highs school because of it.
In college--I found myself more and completely changed my lifestyle and the way I ate--i.e. I lived off of veggies and lean proteins and yes I lost all the weight--but the "mental battle" as you mentioned remained. I've kept off the weight and I"m at a healthy weight now--but I never ever feel skinny enough. I always feel like I need to workout more restrict more to get skinnier. And it's a constant battle.
I also suffered from a stress fracture about 2 years ago and it was probably the worst point in my life. It was in my right ankle and it took forever to heal. For the first couple of weeks I just felt sorry for myself and didn't do anything. At least you continued to spin! I literally just sat on my butt--and this was the middle of freezing Chicago winter. So it was just brutal. My body got soft and I hated it! But I started swimming again--which I used to do all the time--and I healed and my body evened out--or at least it kind of did? I don't know. Anyway--I'm healed now--but I have to be a lot smarter about my workouts. I can't do a lot of sprinting or plyometrics in fear of injuring myself. I also stick to the elliptical which I enjoy and yoga and sometimes swimming--although I should do it more--it's so damn good for you!
Sorry for the ramble--but just know a lot of it is in your head. You're beautiful and have a gorgeous body. Just keep doing what you enjoy physically and you'll see you'll bounce back! If you ever want to talk--you can always email me.
XOXO
Thank you for your heart felt message & sweet compliments. I so do really appreciate it! It's people like you who I know are out there reading my blog which is exactly why I started it. So we could have each other to lean on when we need the support. People who haven't lost a lot of weight don't understand the mental side of weight loss. It's not their fault. They just have not experienced it. I can't believe how similar our stories are and I'm glad to hear you are healed and able to do more activities now. I'm finally able to do more & thanks to my doctor who's just an email away I"m getting the right amount of push from him & not my head. I slowly am feeling my body coming back to me. Having said that, I know I need to be more patient & that is not something I'm good at.Thanks again for your comment.
I commend you for opening up in today's post & sharing your true feelings and emotions. It's never easy being a women - not only do you have your mind teling you what you should look like, but you have social media as well. It can be hard to see the beauty in yourself, both on the inside & out. It truly doesn't get easy until you believe it, you believe that it's okay to be a size four instead of a size 2. Being fit and healthy is more then what you see on the outside, it's much much deeper then that (health, relationships, career, etc). I just wish you could see that you are gorgeous!! I'm not asking this to be mean, but to be helpful... have you thought about seeing a therapist? Or even tried writing simple motivating & inspiring quotes to hang up that you'd see every morning & every evening?
Thanks for the nice compliment! I did speak to someone once right after my weight loss when I really was in shock over it. The thing is talking to someone who's never been through it doesn't work. They don't understand the process you go through in weight loss. I'm still a size 2. I just don't like the new shape of my body and feel frustrated that I have yet another challenge to deal with this year. I just want easy.
This is probably one of the most heartfelt posts I've read about weight loss. It is completely relatable and I applaud you for coming out and saying how you feel. I too have gone through image issues. Currently going through one right now. I hate it when people tell me "You look great!" cause I know I should be different. It really is surprising how weight loss does have negative effects on your body wether they be emotional or physical.
I think it's really interesting that no one ever talks about the side effects of weight loss. Thank you for your kind & relatable sentiments.
Thank you for writing such an honest post! To date I've lost 105 pounds and I cannot agree with you more about body image and the battle within. It become obsessive and a constant competition with yourself. People who have never had to lose weight don't understand that emotional struggle. It is hard to have others constantly ask you how you've done it or how much you've lost. I feel like I always have to one-up myself to prove that I will keep it off. Further, now that I've hit a plateau, the frustration is overwhelming at times. It is hard to see yourself thin and happy when you only have time to focus on the next pound or two you need to shred. Thank you for reminding me its not just me feeling this way!
Thank YOU for letting me know I'm not the only person who feels this way and congrats on the 105 pounds! That is awesome weight loss.
I can completely relate. I was overweight from high school on. It's hard to love your body for what it is, especially when it changes. I understand the frustration and struggle. But you must remember our bodies are amazing things and it healed it's self after your injury. It's the only body you have and will ever have and this is the only life you will ever have. You have accomplished so many things with your body in this life. It may not be where you want it to be now but if you give it enough love it will get there. I know these words may not help because I've had plenty of days where I feel like I HATE everything about my changing body. (I'm pregnant.) But the day soon passes and I think about where i'll be in a year.
Very true...thinking about where I will be in a year is a great way to accept where I am now. I just hope my body does bounce back.
I appreciate your honesty! I think blogs tend to sway toward the "everything is great and i accept myself completely" mentality but we all know very few people have actually reached that point (the dalai lama might be one 🙂 ) it's ok to feel what you're feeling- heck i just had a reallllly bad eating week and feel humongous today. (I know your feelings are quite different with an injury and an amazing weight loss journey, but in a way everybody is in the same boat) we all aim for positivity. sometimes we dont feel it. and thats ok 🙂
You hit the nail on the head! Everyone is always so positive & portraying themselves a certain way in the blog world. But people are people and I think it's only fair to tell people how I'm feeling. It's not rainbows & butterflies every day.
I think your post is very honest and addesses what most people are afraid to say. You are upset with the current state of your body and you don't want the backlash that you should just love yourself the way you are - blah, blah. There are days when your pants won't fit right and it makes you want to scream!
I have been thin my entire adult life so my perspective is totally different. However, when I first started working out I lost a ton of weight and my body just fluctuated in general for years. After putting in all the work and emotional stress you have gone through you just want tsome peace. Totally understood.
Thank you for sharing and I hope your recovery leads you to where you want to be.
Even when I was rail think last year, a size 0 I was unhappy with my body. I don't think I know a single women who feels good about her body every single day.
What an honest and well written post. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I am still battling with my mind to see myself as the smaller person that I actually am and not the overweight person I used to be. The ironic thing is that losing the weight was so 'easy'. Before I had my excess skin removed in June I would always fear that my body could just easily gain that weight back. With the skin gone it has helped a lot (but still a work in profess). Although I know deep down in my mind that I will never gain the weight back due to my lifestyle changes I have made I do have those thoughts...sometimes daily and sometimes not. People will tell me how thin and fit I am and I still am shocked and think they can't be talking about me. I recently read Intuitive Eating and I really learned a lot about coping with those thoughts. Have you read it? I highly recommend it. Hope you continue to have success with acupuncture and your recovery of your foot.
Totally get what you mean about having to remind yourself of the lifestyle changes you've made. I do that a lot & no I haven't read IE, but I've been wanting to. Thanks, Kate!
As a girl who was overweight for so many years and finally succeeded to lose 90 pounds, I can totally understand your thinking. Your mind finally had the willpower and strength to win over your body, your mind was stronger than ever and when suddenly your body cannot achieve what your mind wants then you are mad and frustrated.
Being overweight is hard and you don't want to go back. Having an injury means giving up some control but this is only temporary, there are phases and if there are no hard times then good times will never come.
Try to take one day at a time, don't rush ( it is hard I know) but there is plenty of time!
Thanks for the reminder to take things slow. Sometimes I want things right this second. Congrats on your 90 pounds. That's amazing!
Look at the overall picture--you lost over 80 pounds and even if you gained some weight back, your net weight is still a loss. That's great! Don't worry too much about the weight gain right at this moment--the worst thing you can do is panic and let desperation take over. You can certainly gain back what you lost(or lose what you gained back) at a later time and just keep looking at before pictures to remind yourself of how far you've come!
True, I'm more frustrated I have to work so hard for it & think if my injury had not happened I would not have so much more work to do if that makes sense.
I am sorry to hear the ways your injury has effected you emotionally and mentally. It's definitely not an easy thing to find the balance of maintaining fitness while recovering. But, the bright side? You now know how your body reacts to spinning. I had a friend who started rollerblading daily and after 6 months, she had to stop because her butt and thighs were too muscular to fit into her pants!
So glad I'm not the only girl that's happened to. You're right about knowing how my body reacts to spinning. Never thought of it like that.
Sorry to post late. Both are valid points. In addition to muscles changing over different types of cross training, it also has something to do with the "type" of spinning being done. A lot of runners I've found get injured and then do a "spin class" at least once or twice a day - this is a high intensity workout. It's the equivalent to doing 400m repeats on the track 6 or 7 days a week!
I'm not sure if you were doing that, but even elite distance runners only do about 2 or 3 high intense workouts a week. The rest are running "easy". That is the equivalent to a high cadence, low intensity, spin workout. The only way I've found to do low intensity spinning unfortunately, is away from a class. For some reason classes are always intent on making you go hard or go home.