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The Single Girl Shame
“So, Megan, why aren’t you dating anyone?“
The question never is, “are you dating anyone or have you met anyone.” It’s always, “why aren’t you dating anyone” as if to imply something’s wrong with me.
This question has been a regular occurrence for as long as I can remember (except for whenever I have been in a relationship), and it mostly comes from family. The people who love you most, are often the ones who hurt you most.
As a woman who’s almost 40 and who has had much success personally and professionally, this question is like a bullet to the heart. On the one hand, you feel like you’ve been pushed your whole life to be independent and to not depend on anyone yet, the mere fact that you don’t have a husband somehow discredits everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Hong Kong 2012
I feel like being single is something I have to justify and apologize for. It’s as if those who are married are “normal” and those who are single are “abnormal.” I catch myself wondering what’s wrong with me then reminding myself NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME.
Why is it that we can love and praise the Sex In The City women for being strong independent single women yet, in real life we put these same women down. Double standard?
It is hard being a single woman, and the the insinuation of it being abnormal is hurtful.
Don’t you think it hurts having no one who loves you? You may as well tell me I’m fat, dumb and ugly.
What people fail to realize is how painful it is watching every friend, one by one getting married and having kids, while you wait for your turn that never comes.
What people don’t understand is how horrible it feels watching other women get divorced and remarried, while you’re still single. Or how sad it is planning vacations alone because your friends have families and don’t have time to go on vacation with their single friends.
What people don’t know is how isolating it is that you don’t have girlfriends to go out with on a Friday night anymore because they have families and you don’t.
Those people take for granted how hard it is to survive being sick for two years, feeling like you’re losing your mind because no doctor will help you, and having NO ONE to help you get through it. Someone who will give you a hug when you need one or listen to you cry your heart out.
It’s wrong for people to judge you for the life you’re living. It’s not their life so why do they care? Not to mention they’re overlooking the many successes that person has had in their life and the things they may have given up to get there.
Maybe something better is planned for me. Maybe this journey is preparing me for something different. Is being different so wrong?
Do you think if I had chosen my life this is what I would have wanted? I had dreams of meeting Mr. Right like every other little girl. It just didn’t happen, or at least it hasn’t happened yet, and I’m not going to sit around feeling sad about it. Life doesn’t always happen the way we want it or come in a pretty box with a bow.
Oh I hear you loud and clear! When I decided to leave my boyfriend (and Hawaii) at age 33 I heard so many negative comments such as, “But you’re too old to be a single woman! Just suck it up and figure it out.” Never mind that I wasn’t happy and could never be happy in that situation. People (especially family and close friends) can be so hurtful at times. I’m currently single and loving it! I’ll plan vacations with you. I just got a job at an airline and my travel benefits will kick in soon. I plan to use this season of my life to travel and see the world as a single woman without a man or kids to tie me down.
Good for you! I actually was a consultant for many years so I took FULL advantage of my traveling to see as much as I wanted. Now I’m just happy to be home and take a trip once a year. I’m excited to hear where this new venture takes you!
I know how you feel. I have been sick for 2 years with chronic illness, I have no kids, no man. I can only imagine what people are thinking about me. Oh well. I have to put me first at this point of my life. They say everything happens for a reason.
You’re exactly right! I hope you’re feeling better soon.
HI Megan,
Thanks for your timely post.
I’m a 29 year old single professional lady and i get this every time! Why are you still single?! I feel occasionally that it is my fault somehow but reading your post has made me feel less alone in this matter. Holding on to the hope that Mr Right will waltz into my life.
You are most definitely not alone! I’m a big believer that things happen when they’re meant to. Live for you!
Hi Megan! None of your posts has ever been as timely for me as this. It’s like I was meant to see it or something. I’m not single, I’m in a relationship for more than four years now, and you’d think people would be happy I finally found someone I could potentially live the rest of my life with, but they’re not. They’ve (like you, my family) graduated from asking me “Why are you still single?” to “Why aren’t you married yet?” I’m guessing married women are also faced with a slightly different but still too familiar dilemma about people asking them “Why don’t you have kids yet?” or “Why can’t you become a better mother?” or “Why can’t you be a career woman and a mom at the same time?” It seems to me that wherever stage of life we are, women are always subjected to impossibly high standards about being better than what they already are. I can’t say I have completely learned to let this go, but I’ve realized (just yesterday!) that these people’s standards – even if they’re my family – don’t matter, and that what matters is that I’m happy with who, what, and how I am right now. I know you are too! Huge hugs to you! 🙂
This is so very true! I think at different times in our lives we are subjected to the questions you mentioned. It’s inevitable I suppose. I guess you can’t change others though & can only change how you perceive yourself. Thanks for your thoughts!
You are SO right! Love your honesty, Megan! HUGS to you — you’re awesome!
Thank you Blair!
Very well said!! People are such morons. Having been single for 5 years BY CHOICE I hear all kind of shit. I was happy. I had time for me. I did what I wanted. I saved money. It was a blast! I love being married now… but those day were gold. People are too quick to judge what they don’t understand (or are JEALOUS of).
Judge is the key word here! I would like to see people more accepting of others is what I think I was driving at with this post. Black, white, asian, gay, lesbian, straight. Just accept people for who they are and don’t beat them up for what you think they should be.
Well said, Megan. I appreciate such a raw and honest post. As a young, single professional in her 30s, I can relate to how you are feeling! I often hear from family, friends, and ex-boyfriends that I am intimidating because of my success (I got my PhD at 29 and have been working as a professor for 4 years), my confidence, my interest in sports and I suppose my looks. If I was a male, I don’t think I would be considered intimidating, but rather considered a success or even a catch. So it is frustrating and very hurtful to be told I am intimidating for working hard in life. Ugh! While getting married and/or dating would be great, it has never been my #1 priority which I am totally content with, but close friends and family seem to not understand how marriage is not my top priority now that I am established in my career.
Thank you for sharing your story Jo and good for you for being secure enough to do what you want and not what other people want. I’m amazed at how many women are so much like me. I didn’t expect that when I wrote this.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you friend. Will I see you next week at IDEA?
We talked about this when you were here in Chicago. I 100% respect you for being single because you won’t settle. WHY are you single? Well, WHY are you married? Because you found the right person. I know how lucky I am that I met Alex, and I am amazed every day. I hope you find your person. I hope all of my friends find their people. But being single is far better than being with the wrong person. Sending you all the love.
I agree. It’s all timing and luck, not a choice. Hopefully, one of these days my luck will turn around? Haha!
Thank you for posting this! Luckily, I don’t have people shaming me to my face (although I can’t help but wonder what they’re thinking about the 33-year-old single girl), but I still get those horrible “what’s wrong with me?” feelings, too. It’s too bad that having a great job and great friends and living life to the fullest isn’t enough; that being mate-less creates these feelings of anxiety. We just have to keep fighting the good fight!
Exactly! It’s a shame people are so quick to shame you for what they perceive you should have vs. praising you for what you do have.