One of the hardest things about being sick and injured these last few years has been accepting the friends who leave you when you're sick. I'm certain those of you who have been chronically sick know exactly what I mean. Until you get sick, you don't realize how valuable your health is beyond your body. People not only judge you beyond your character, knowledge and physical appearance, they judge you based on your health too.
If you've followed my story, then you know what I been through. In case you haven't, here's a quick rundown of what's happened.
- January 2014 - Right heal fracture
- October 2014 - Right ankle stress fracture
- May 2015 - Left torn plantar fascia
- July 2015 - Right tibia fracture
Surrounding those events I suffered from chronic stress, adrenal fatigue and was diagnosed with HA. I stopped getting periods in 2009 for reasons no one could explain. Prior to 2009, I had iron deficiency anemia and B12 deficiency. Those problems began 2005-ish. No one has ever been able to confirm that these things are connected, but I 100% know they are.
As a result, I spent most of 2015 trying to get my hormones working because I knew it was the key to everything. I felt horrible. I couldn't think straight. I was exhausted. The simplest tasks wore me out and anything unexpected caused me major anxiety.
I knew something was very wrong with my body, and finding a doctor who would help was nearly impossible. But I was determined to find someone who would and eventually I did. That doctor diagnosed me with an auto-immune disease, which I have not talked about yet.
[AdSense-A]
Beyond the doctors not listening though, the hardest part was dealing with friends who leave you when you're sick. When people began to realize I was sick and not just the I have a cold kind of sick, they began distancing themselves from me.
One friend in particular, one day started giving me the cold shoulder and acting as though we had never been friends. She stopped texting me, broke off all communication with me. To this day, I haven't heard from her. I guess a sick friend was something she wasn't willing to deal with.
It wasn't friends who left either, it was co-workers too. Once people began to notice how often I was missing for doctors appointment, they started distancing themselves from me. They would give me looks of pity in meetings or in the hallway. Getting those looks was a horrible, awful feeling.
I went from being the most highly regarded employee to someone no one wanted to be around. They jokingly called me "the shit magnet." Suddenly, I knew what the disabled kid on the playground I grew up with felt like. Isolated and alone. I felt ashamed going to the office. There came a point when I didn't even want to be there because of how I was made to feel.
Now I can handle a lot, but all of this. I couldn't handle all of this. Not alone. Not ever. And having friends leave me on top of it was an extra stab in the wound. This was one time in my life that I was really suffering and needed friends.
I guess maybe people are scared of people who are sick. They think it's contagious or maybe they just don't want to be around the sadness of it. Either that or they don't know how to deal with it. They don't know what to say or do so they just leave.
[AdSense-A]
Losing friends to illness was a painful process, but it allowed me to see the world with a new perspective. It allowed to see there were people in my life who did not need to be in my life. They were not adding value to me or to the person I wanted to be.
Instead of them leaving me, I tried looking at it as me leaving them. I realized I had chosen friendships with people who ultimately, let me down. Yes, I was the one sick and suffering but I didn't need people in my life who weren't capable of sticking by me through that.
Realizing that I had a decision in forming those relationships made it easier to come to terms with friends who leave when you're sick. I may not be able to control my auto-immune disease, but I can control the people I allow in my life.
Thanks for letting me Think Out Loud
Have you dealt with friends leaving you during hard times?
[Tweet "When Friends Leave You When You're Sick #health"]
I found your article just now but I am going thru this and have been the past few years. I have a bone disease that requires the joints be replaced. Painful and will have my 2nd hip replacement this Thurs. Anyway...what I found is this, there are a handful of people that have stuck w me or checked up on me but the only ones that have been thru this whole thing w me are myself, my mother and God. I was upset, mad and hurt years ago for the way I was essentially tossed aside by friends but now I have such a good relationship w myself it seems these "friends" that call occasionally to check up
it really to call to vent to me about their issues are still doing that but I haven't answered my phone in months some years. It seems a bit sad they are still that delusional to have the nerve to contact me when I haven't contacted back. The thing I take from all this is the person I have become and what I want in life. I think about who IS there for me. The ones that aren't, well...bye.
I came across your website and this story and wanted to comment about my own experience. Years ago I had a workplace injury (knee injury, to be exact) and pretty much had everyone abandon me similar to what happened to you and some other posters here. Even family was dismissive and hostile to some extent and those relationships never did recover. Some of the same coworkers and supervisors who mocked and/or ignored me during my time on workers comp tried to regain my 'friendship' shortly after I recovered; the language I would use here would probably get me kicked off this site to be honest.
I lost my trust in others during that time. I got a lot of grief and hostility for no reason from a lot of people from pretty much everywhere; for example, one day when I was in physical therapy another patient came into the waiting room on crutches who was getting therapy for a much worse knee injury than mine and I gave my seat up for him. A couple of staff members gave me an evil look for apparently giving the poor guy a break. That's just one example of the condescending and abrasive behavior I got from people in general. Sioux Falls has some nasty people and I'll never forgive them for it.
I’m going through this right now. They just stopped making plans and stopped asking to hang out. They always ignore my messages. It’s really strange because their mother is a nurse, so I thought they would be understanding. No one’s ever bothered to ask if I’m ok, or if I can come over to visit you. Due to medical bills, I’m not spending a lot of money on things like I used too and now they’re upset because I used to throw these parties and now I don’t. I just figured since I don’t have kids, then why not a spend a few$$$ on throwing a party. I now u detestamos they were more interested in the material things. My friend isn’t as financially well off as me and when she was broke, I never had a problem with not spending money and just chilling at home with her and eating at home, but now that I’m not spending like I used too, then now they don’t want to do the same like I did with them.
Hi Megan,
I know this story. I used to be the jolly beefy gym guy everyone invited to their parties and gatherings. I was fun to be around, fit and not pretentious about it. I felt loved and welcomed by everyone. But in Nov 2010 I had a catastrophic injury to my back and it wound up crippling me. I graduated from CALARTS but couldn't hold a tool to draw with anymore. Nobody could see how injured I was, gaslit me into believing I made it up, and eventually ghosted me like I was a bad date. I am still recovering, 12 years later, and have yet to build a new group of friends. Thank you for sharing, and allowing me to write this.
Hello hello Miss Megan, my name is James and your situation with your heal fracture and your friends leaving you, or so-called friends,are very very similar to my situation I broke both of my heels in a work injury and my so-called friends at this workplace were immediately attentive,but as things got complicated with one of my feet and with the complication of depression because of all this these horrible struggles that I was going through my so-called friends soon left me they have not called to see how I was doing and they talk about me behind my back criticize me for how I am dealing with the pain and the depression. But there was one person that I was dating right before the injury I got extremely upset with her because 2 weeks after the injury around my first surgery she left for Mexico for 3 or 4 weeks,but I have come to realize now that she was the only true friend because once she came back she has never left me,she has stayed by my side through all the difficulties especially with the depression!So now like you I see things differently now. I see people in a different way now especially the ones who say they are your friends! Now I am very careful whom I call friend and who I allow in my life thank you for what you have written it was very encouraging to know that other people have gone through this too thank you a lot!!
Hi Megan, It seems people are more like this than not. Loyalty is a fleeting thing in today’s society. Personally, I find the kind of disregard you went through with those around you to be an appalling show of societies egocentricity due to pressure. In simpler words I believe it’s weakness on their parts...it’s way easier to ignore the needs of others and focus on just your own or to use others misfortune to try and make oneself seem more fortunate when it’s not a matter of that at all.
But what it comes down to is some people aren’t equipped to address real problems of others cause they can’t even handle their own and shame on those who are deluded enough to think they are better cause something didn’t happen to them. These people are truly shallow and don’t deserve to even be acknowledged.
Much love to you and thank you for sharing this experience, it has made me feel less alone.
I'm suffering d pain after my hip replacement surgery everyone left including people who claim to love me
I'm very sorry for what you went through 4 years ago now. Despite having had a few sports injuries, one from which it took about a year to recover, and all the people I was friends and in contact with during those periods, I've only had this horrible experience of being treated badly because of what I was going through happen to me a couple of times. Once, amazingly, was when I unexpectedly lost my closest family member a couple of years ago and was deeply shocked and grieving. I had all kind of horrible reactions, including someone who fired me from a job on the day I lost her for not letting him know in advance that I was going to lose her! Others telling me I was lying and hadnt lost her at all. A client who fired me for being 5 minutes late when I first started returning to work again (although I was not at my best; it was my cousin's idea to go back to help me) 2 weeks after losing her. People who on the day I lost her and a few days later wanted to compete with me and say their family problems were "greater greiving" than my loss of my family. People who continuously made promises and broke them related to the memorial, and all kinds of other weird and shocking situations. Some of this garbage has continued up until today in relation to the my loss.
As I've said, no one has ever changed towards me when I had a couple of sports injuries or flareups of my muscle related back injury (I'm very healthy otherwise) even though a couple of these were pretty severe (but fortunately treatable) and took a while to recover from. But what's been happening the last few weeks has been ostracism (by a minority of people including people I need to live with in the student residence overseas; I'm a medical student who has already completed degrees, studying overseas) ever since I began to react to an antibiotic of all things! Although the girls in the dorm here have a habit of "helping one another" with things and even devote an online group to it, and I only told two of them anything about the antibiotic reaction since we are closer (but one overheard me telling one of them) I might as well have told them I have an STD or a parasite infection (in fact, I DID have a parasite infection a few years ago when living in Asia and no one batted an eyelid). I've received lecturing messages about how I'm a terrible person to have told someone here about the antibiotic reaction and how since I'm older than most of the girls here and a foreigner, I should move out. The thing is, even if I'd wanted to move out, I can't since the reaction also caused adrenal exhaustion type symptoms. I responded that the only way I could do that is if someone DID help me to house hunt, pack and move since I can barely walk around the building at the moment and I can only carry my money purse (and even then it was straining my tendons thanks to the antibiotic). I had other people here saying I was imagining the whole thing and one idiot said I'd brought the symptoms on myself (since I'm a happy person who values my health and enjoys working out, travel, long distance cycling, etc, I'd hardly bring something horrible like this onto myself). None of them by the way study Medicine or the health sciences; only ME. And yet, from the outset (one month ago), if I told anyone about this reaction, I'd tell them it was mild and transient (I'd researched it well and so it is). In fact, a director in the Faculty of Medicine here figured out what had happened a couple of weeks ago, so I'm already recovering well. I then told THAT to these people thinking it would calm them down, but a couple of them continued to carry on. Since I'd also posted that Im recovering well on my FB page (since I was so relieved and excited), a "Christian" acquaintance back in my English home country who does "missionary work" (whom I"d previously when I was all stressed about it messaged and asked to pray for me that I'd recover soon) pm'd me coldly (back a couple of weeks ago when I'd asked for her prayers, shed responded coldly as well, in a couple of words, after previously sending me so many long chatty messages about herself) that I "should not tell anyone that I'm reacting to an antibiotic", WTF??? Like I said, it's not an STD, and once, when living in Asia, a European platonic friend (a new friend; I'd only met him a few days before) told me HE had picked up an STD there; at the time he was looking for herbs to increase his immunity. That hadn't shocked ME, so why should anyone flip out over an antibiotic infection that someone is recovering well and quickly from???). Now, even when I briefly say "Hi" to someone in the hallway in passing at this stupid student residence, they say they have to go and can't talk as though I'll hound them over my antibiotic scenario (as I'd said, I only told two people about it, but they were people I had already been quite friendly with for a few months, one who has her own medical issue which is NOT temporary).
I'm the sort of person who values my health and if I talk about anything along those lines, it might be about my interest in healthy foods, or my love of hiking up mountains, weight training and long distance cycling, as well as travel adventures. I never get sick (I'm not sick now! It's a stupid recovering med reaction) so I don't talk about such things. Plus as mentioned, I lost my closest family member not too long ago, so although Ive a few family members who are now my support system and have been encouraging me, I cant tell her about it. AND I'm living overseas.
I dont know what to make of any of this. In one sense, I think that when something "real" happens to us (and not some trivial issue needing someone's "help", in terms of the dorm's idea that they "help" one another out) we get to see who is genuine and who is absolutely fake. I believe we also see who is jealous and using our ups and downs as an excuse to take that out on us. I personally am NOT happy about it, but I'm glad to be able to see what is really going on when such a thing happens and cut off some people (or at least push them to the rim if I cant cut them off right now). Otherwise, we'd have been stuck with them and not even known they were fake. Although I'm not one to be bitter and I can forget these things after a little while, I also don't see them in a positive light. We are always being thrown together with people and some hang around us for various reasons of their own. It's good to spring clean that scenario every so; if you just tried doing it without the bad experience, you could make mistakes and be judgmental (you could let go of people who really mean well). So this way, you KNOW.
Thank you for sharing ❤ I feel this on so many levels. The last few years have definitely been a struggle health-wise and still no end in sight. It started with my 1st pregnancy and preeclampsia and bedrest. When my son was just 6 weeks old, I had ankle reconstruction surgery and was once again bedridden for 3 months. Finally got back to feeling better, learned to walk again, and had returned to work for a couple of months... and got pregnant again and once again put on bedrest. Returned to work once again after my daughter was born.
Now, for the last year or so, I've been fighting *something.* Been to countless specialists, had a couple of surgeries, have had more tests than I can count and more blood work done than I know what to do with. Still no diagnosis which also means no treatment or relief for any of my symptoms (which are numerous and getting worse).
The worst part about all of this is watching everyone who said they'd be there for me or the kids leave. I have 1 friend left besides my husband (who also had most of his friends abandon ship too) and family is long gone.... they all tell me it must be in my head and I'm "fine." During this time, I've now had to quit work as I physically can't do it anymore, but yep... all in my head. The hardest part has been coming to terms with the fact that this is all beyond my control. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, it gives me a lot to think about.
Hi. I know EXACTLY what you are/or went through. I have suffered from chronic Lyme disease, and I was left by my friends and family. Like literally abandoned by my then best friends and grandmother, among others. People have a hard time feeling out of control. They do this because of them, not us. But it still hurts, and still is painful. Do not get me wrong. The body for me healed faster than the emotional scars. Just know that you are on your own path, nobody else’s. And I promise you will have a perspective different than most. You will also have that thing that most people lack- inner strength and resilience. It’s afteraards, when you get back to health, you realize people gravitate and look up to that attribute so much- then you realize they were never there for you because they themselves lack it.
I hope you find your health <3
Also, you may want to consider going to a LLMD (Lyme disease specific doctors). The symptoms you listed sound like they could be a component of chronic Lyme or a Lyme related co infection.
I also get knowing something is wrong and having arrogant doctors tell you otherwise. I had to search for a year to get correctly diagnosed. Only then after did I begin to heal.
Much love
Kelsey
Hi there! I was actually diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease and since then I've been doing great! To this day, I still struggle with doctors and them not really helping. It's like pulling teeth getting them to run specific labs or investigate specific symptoms. Over the summer I had extreme vertigo for 6 weeks. They just said it was allergies, but I know it's not that. It's a constant battle! Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. I really love it when people reach out and share. All the best! Megan
You find out who your real friends are and cherish those.
For sure!
Going through this myself, two years of agony, pain, endless suffering. Diagnosed with nerve damage, thought I was going crazy when it all started happening, friends would ask me out and I woulnd't be able to deal with it, so they gradually distanced themselves from me, even stopping communication with me entirely when I got annoyed at them for it. Your tolerance is non-existent, you can't be bothered with half hearted people. I instantly understand what people with cancer, long term disability and long term health conditions feel like. You are right though, its given me a HUGE perspective, shown me that people should earn trust and respect instead of just being given it. Its shown me all the right people that should be in my life and that the people abdoning me shouldn't be in my life.
I think the thing that hurts more out of all of it was the two people who abandoned me were in a band with me, they just became "too busy" to deal with you. I was really angry about it all and honestly still am, I can't understand how people like that exist in the world, perhaps they can't deal with it but really, I hope they're on day put in the same position, so they can understand the pain inflicted on someone else but, at the same time I forgive them because I know there have been moments in my own life where I couldn't handle it either.
Life is such a comprehensive bag of mysteries and problems, just realise your own value and find a reason to coninue fighting.