Every day my fear of gaining weight consumes me. After losing 80 pounds, I've finally figured out how to be live beyond the scale & stop obsessing over my weight.
Six years ago I lost 80 pounds and to this day I worry about my weight. Looking back on my 80 pound weight loss, I realize now losing weight was the easy part. Being in maintenance is a thousand times harder. Even after six years, I still have a fear of gaining weight, and that's a fear I struggle with to this day.
I know it’s not realistic to think I'll gain 80 pounds back overnight. But when you lose that much weight it’s hard to see yourself in a new way. I’m a size 2, sometimes a size 4 and yet, I look in the mirror and see the size 14 girl with ginormous thighs.
It’s not because my thighs are big. It’s because my body imagine is distorted. I still envision myself as that size 14 girl with big hips and thighs.
During my weight-loss, I meticulously counted calories, tracked what I ate and exercised daily. Today I still track calories but it's for different reasons than when I was losing weight. When I was losing weight, I wouldn't eat unless I had the nutritional facts in front of me.
In part, that was because I didn't know how much the nutritional value was of certain foods or what the right portion sizes were. Tracking food helped me stop overeating by teaching me to eat the right amounts.
The other reason I tracked my food was because I didn't trust myself to eat in control on my own. I rarely allowed myself to deviate from meal plans because I feared I would binge and when I did, it caused me anxiety because I didn't believe I would choose to eat the right things in the right amounts.
Battling multiple injuries the last two years, I finally learned how to be more lenient with my eating and to listen to my body. That transition wasn't easy, but I knew I didn't want to live my life counting calories and having no flexibility in what I ate.
Things also changed for me after losing weight. I fell in love with fitness and started training more seriously. I realized that in order to support my high level of activity I had to let go of my fear of gaining weight and view food as fuel for my workouts. I also came to realize that I was also putting myself at risk for nutritional deficiencies if I didn't allow more variety in my diet. Food is not the enemy. It's survival!
I won't lie. Letting go of my fear of gaining weight took years. If it hadn't been for those injuries, I'm not sure I would've let it go. Those injuries were a blessing in disguise. It forced me to slow down and listen to my body, and I'm much happier now because of it. I still track my food to ensure my macronutrients are balanced because getting enough protein is an issue for me. Otherwise, I can track my calories in my head.
What I no longer do is get on a scale every day and obsess over the number. I've built a lot of muscle lifting weights and the scale will only mess with that achievement. My focus now is how I feel, and I don't need a scale to tell me that.
I know I'm strong and that's all that matters. Most women my age can't bench the weight I'm benching and most women my age don't have the endurance I have, and I know how I'm doing just by putting on my clothes. If things are snug, I know I need to increase my vegetables and protein and cut out the sugar. I don't need a scale to tell me those things anymore.
I still have those moments though where I fear gaining weight, but when that happens I remind myself how strong I am. I've recovered from multiple injuries and even had a hip replacement. Through that I didn't gain weight because the healthy habits I developed during my weight loss are now a normal part of my life.
Even though it's been years since my weight loss, I’m still learning to accept my body. I’m not sure I will ever get used to people saying things to me like “you’re so small.” I’m at the point in life where I recognize I will always going to hate my thighs and I’m not going to starve myself or cut calories to a dangerous level to change that. What I will commit to doing, is learning to love myself and my body. Everyone has insecurities even the person you idolize most.
My advice to you is to think about all the things you love about yourself. Write them down and read them every day as a reminder that you are more than your weight. Getting over your fear of gaining weight will take time. Give yourself permission to live and love yourself for all the wonderful things you are. Remember, you're not alone in this!
Linda @ The Fitty says
Oh Megan I really needed to read this post. How did you get through the crazies that you couldn't workout with your injured foot?
Megan says
Hi Linda! I found other ways to be active during that time like weight lifting, swimming, pilates and biking. I never thought I would like those forms of activities but I ended up loving them and still doing them to this day. I also used that time to focus my energy on my blog and other work. It helps to find something to direct your energy towards!
Ciera says
It was as if I was reading something I wrote to myself, by myself. I, too, struggle with the anxiety of missing a day at the gym or going outside of my macro schedule. I constantly worry about ruining all of the hard work it took for me to go gem size 12 me to size 4 me. I love this. And a million times thank you, thank you, thank you for writing it. It was everything I needed to say to myself and more.
Megan says
Learning to live beyond weight loss is hard. Trusting yourself will get easier, but it takes time. Be patient with yourself. Eat when you're hungry and give yourself permission to take a day off from working out when you need to. Remember it's the big picture, not one day that matters.
Grinch says
I'm sitting here in tears...I started at a size 26-28 and now I'm at a 16 sometimes 14. I've lost 100 lbs and it's taken me just shy of 3 years. I'm 53 and been overweight all of my life...I'm still looking to lose another 20 lbs and my BMI says it's over 30 to lose. And I'm dying inside because I see myself beginning to fail.
I tried declaring myself someone who has lost weight rather than someone who needs to lose weight...combining that with all of the good choices I've been making. And I'm failing. I've gained back about 5 lbs and I'm terrified. I don't have it within me to lose it all again and I'm struggling mightily with controlling this freefall I'm finding myself in.
I keep telling others to be as kind to themselves as they are to others, yet I'm constantly doubting and berating myself. My saving grace is my love of the gym and how it makes me feel.
It's been so good to read this post and the responses. It always helps to know you're not alone and that your fears are actually quite common. So here it is a Sunday night and I've had a full blowout this weekend. I have a lovely, and healthy, soup for my dinner...I start with that and I carry on tomorrow.
I know time has passed since you all were on here sharing your stories...I hope some of you might see how powerful your words were.
Thank you...
Kim says
Hi Grinch,
I know my words don't mean much when you're looking at the numbers on the scare going the wrong direction, but I've been there. I lost 130+ lbs, kept it off for 5+ years and recently gained some (I don't use a scale, but my jeans stopped fitting). I was terrified and angry. But, I took realized what I did wrong and corrected it. The weight came off. It was that simple. I just needed to look at the science of it.
Yay you for losing 100 lbs. Be proud and realize the 5lbs isn't a freefall. It's a bump in the road. You can get past it and lost again. You know you're gaining and you have control to stop it. For so long I didn't realize I had control.
I don't mean to sound preachy and lecture you, but I know how you feel and want to help. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! 🙂
Kim
Grinch says
Thank you Kim and trust me you're not sounding preachy at all. I spend most of my day spouting logic and common sense to others...everything you say, everything I know is all very logical and common sense should see me through this. It's frightening how crippling the fear of failure is.
Thank you...you're right...I know what works, but I've lost trust in myself to control it. And you're right again...I know I can. I have. How on earth is that one tiny little number enough to completely unbalance me? I felt much better once I wrote my first comment...I feel that much better to have received your reply. Thank you...you did a good thing for me today. And may I say...huge well done to you! Most people have no idea how hard what you've done is. Great job...thank you!
Kim says
You should say "what WE'VE done". You've lost too and that's something not to forget. I can't take credit for my post. I lost my mind when I gained my husband had to step in and remind me science is behind weight loss and my crazy thoughts mean nothing.
Don't lose trust. I understand it's shaken, but you'll find it again. I did with each "right" food choice I made. I totally understand what the fear of failure can do to you mentally too. It was paralyzing. But the longer I had my crazy thoughts the longer it took to get back on track. I still have crazy thoughts (don't eat that cookie you'll gain 6 lbs. Skip dinner, you'll lose weight faster) but it gets a tiny bit easier every day.
Thank you for your kind word to me. If I can help in any way, please let me. 2 people with crazy food thinking can be fun!
Grinch says
Thanks Kim and that did make me laugh...the 2 crazy people thing! Thanks very much for helping to calm me down. I just weighed myself and I did minimal damage this weekend. At the end of the day, 1 Papa John's pizza isn't responsible for total obesity! Yup...last night after I ate it, I was crazy and figured that single pizza was the ruination of everything.
I am absolutely determined to start tonight and make one right and strong choice at a time. I read some of the things you wrote last year and it seems like you've come a long way. And you're right...it is a 'we' there. You've done an amazing job and so have I.
I'll be back...I'm away next weekend, but I'll be back to tell you how fabulously I've done. Till then I thank you for talking me off the ledge where I held Ben and Jerry's in one hand and a huge salted caramel cupcake in the other - figuratively of course! But a serious thank you. I'm feeling calmer and more prepared now.
Kim says
Glad I could help. Keep up the positive choices!!!!
Shireen says
Thanks a lot for writing this Megan! It helped me a lot 🙂
Megan says
I'm glad! I actually have another follow on to this post that will be published next month.
Anne says
It's like you're in my head. I might have to print this to show to my counselor and / or husband. He doesn't understand what's in my head - the one I often tell myself is that I can't have something if I didn't 'earn' it. So, a treat on a day when I didn't exercise as strenuously? Not going to happen. I just...can't convince myself to trust my body and eat what I want to eat when I want it...and that it will all come out in the wash (figuratively, not literally :>). I also weigh myself every morning...and obsess over those numbers. The last 2 days it's been higher. Why? Is it something I ate? I didn't have more to eat yesterday?! Etc. etc. etc.
I don't know if you still think this / do this on a daily basis, as this post is older, but ... yeah. It just spoke to me. Thank you.
Megan says
Hi Anne, I was in the same place, doing exactly what you describe not too long ago. It became an obsession for me. What stopped the madness, was when I went through so many injuries last year. The injuries forced me to stop weighing myself daily and to stop worrying so much about those minor fluctuations because they can really make you crazy and do things that are harmful to your body. I've had 4 fractures since last year all stemmed from hormone imbalances. I can't stress to you enough to be very careful not to underfeed your body. If you're hungry, eat but eat something good like fruits, vegetables or a protein snack. Do not ignore the signals your body is telling you and do not overexercise to compensate for eating more. I don't know your history or where you are in your weight loss, but it can be very dangerous to continue in this cycle. Believe me, I've suffered for two years and cannot lose a signal pound because my body no longer trusts me. You do not want to be in the place I am. Don't get me wrong. I still count my calories and watch carefully what I eat, however, some days I need more food than others. Now I do not stress about it because I know over time it evens out. This is actually intuitive eating which has been my goal since I lost weight. I'm still learning to be an intuitive eater, but I know doing so will allow me to trust my body again and for it to trust me as well. I understand what you mean that no one gets you. I personally feel counselors, nutritionists & RD's don't people like us unless they've been through a major weight loss. I hate saying that because I know they are experts in their field, but when it comes to weight loss I truly believe there is nothing like having the experience of going through it yourself. I'm here for support if you ever need it.
Kim says
I am so thankful I found this blog today. I have been struggling for years with fear of food, fear of weight gain, fear of becoming the "old me" again. Today is very hard and I appreciate your story. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
Megan says
Oh Kim, you are so not alone. It wasn't until a few months ago that I was able to let go of them, but they do still creep in every now and then. I was in an accident and forced to just let my body rest for 3 months and while it drove me nuts, it helped me realize that my body isn't going to gain all that weight back if I stick to eating healthy and clean. It changed my whole view on eating and exercising. The more you focus on those fears, the harder it is to let them go. I promise it will get better. Give your mind time to adjust to the new you and don't be afraid to allow you to trust yourself again.
Kim says
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I hope, after 5 + years of maintaining, I can some day find the trust. Who would have believed losing the weight was the easy part!? Thank you again so much for this posting. Today was the perfect day for me to find it 🙂
Cassie says
Awesome post. I lost 20-30 pounds (30+ at my lightest when I was too skinny, 20 at my heaviest, now it's bottomed out at about 23-34) after college. I live in a CONSTANT fear of food. It's terrible. I'm just so scared of no longer being a size 0. It's so dumb - thanks for the reminder that it's how I feel, now what the scale says.
Melissa says
I used to feel the same way about food, but luckily, I've put my fear of gaining weight behind me. Now that I have let go of this fear, I've been living a healthier and happier life. I still have my bad days, but I manage to get through them with a healthy relationship with food and exercise. Thank you for this lovely post; keep it up!
Tash says
Great post, I suffered with an eating disorder for nearly 10 years and while I am now fully recovered, I have my bad days still. Being a dancer, an injury would set me back further, making me worry even more. I'm glad you've found peace with the scales. I have too, I never weigh myself anymore, even when I've been injured (I broke my foot 6 weeks ago), and life is much better.
Eating disorders aren't just losing weight, it's about the mind and body dismorphia too. More people need to speak up, whether they've experienced one or not.
Thanks for posting!
Tash | Ballet, Dance & Fitness
Lauren @ LoveChocolateLife says
I really love this post and can relate very well.. I lost about 30 pounds a few years ago and I constantly struggle with maintaining. I constantly am gaining/losing 5-10 pounds and it really is frustrating. In order for me to stay at one weight I do need to count calories and track etc like you mentioned above but sometimes I hate it.. For a while I was at my goal weight but then stress/work/life gets in the way but I agree what matters really is balance and acceptance. Thanks for the post and motivation 🙂
Leyna says
This is a great post!! After losing 60 pounds, I had an all - consuming fear of weight gain and hated myself if I deviated from my goal weight by even a pound. I was so hateful to myself. I think that negative attitude contributed to me gaining back some weight (I made one bad choice, had lots of negative self talk and then would eat my way through my feelings and hate myself more). After having my two babies and beginning a healthier lifestyle and a dedicated workout regiment, I'm now about 10-15 pounds above my goal weight, but have a much better attitude towards food, exercise, and myself. Weight loss is a journey and not a destination (one of my favorite quotes). Maintenance is extremely hard - but you seem to be making smart choices. Keep up the hard work!
Iman says
Phwa, what an intense yet honest post, admitting the truth over obsessing about things is hard and I just want to give you props and being so honest about it. I think, and I know it's easier said than done, but I want you to remember that you aren't that girl you were before the weight loss, you are skinny and should accept it and embrace that you won't be the girl before the weight loss again! Be proud of yourself! Beautifully honest post 🙂 Thank you
GiGi Eats says
I COULD NOT AGREE MORE! I actually stopped weighing myself 3 years ago because I hate numbers and I don't want them to define me! I just tell myself to focus on the positive and that a number is just that, a number. It does define you! Words define you - and words are what you write on your blog, and why people come back to read more! 🙂 Words are your personality!
Michael Anderson says
Great perspective - I totally get where you are coming from with this, though I don't weigh myself ... last summer I was getting a full cardiac workup after my physical, and that meant a total of 5 doctor visits in 2 weeks - and a range of 10 lbs! Fortunately the first one was 'good' and everything else was +/-5 so I could laugh it off ...
When I wrote about my 'running story' on my blog, the 'second chapter' was the hardest to write: I had lost more than 175 lbs and was running and so on, making the first chapter my 'Rocky story' ... the second chapter was just spending the next 20 years mostly maintaining my weight, occasionally drifting up a bit occasionally getting a bit low, and so on. Bo-ring.
But after my thyroid died I slowly gained 100 lbs as I battled to get my 'mojo back', so when I lost weight 2 years ago I was different than before - I am much more accountable for everything that goes in my mouth (rather than using running as an excuse to eat whatever), and am smarter nutritionally than ever.
It is REALLY hard to transition to NOT constantly thinking about food ... in fact, if I ever do it I will let you know! 😀
Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut says
Man I never thought about how hard it would be to MAINTAIN the weight loss. You look beautiful in both pictures though! Hopefully you can begin to relax a bit because calorie counting can be meticulous! Plus there's no calorie counter on a carrot and you should be able to eat carrots and fresh veggies. 🙂
PS I saw that you tried to link this to my love post, but it sent it to "moderation" because there is no back-link (aka link to my site on this post). Once you add it, let me know and I will approve it! 🙂
The Skinny-Life says
Thanks, Amanda! The back link is there now.
Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut says
Your link is linked!! 🙂 We are doing another link-up tomorrow if you'd like to join!
Loredai says
Great perspective! I weigh myself everyday as well....and stress about random fluctuations that I can't justify. Not sure I'll ever like the number that I read on the scale (or on the tag of my pants for that matter).
Thanks for giving me something to think about.....and for admitting I'm not alone :).
The Skinny-Life says
You're definitely not alone!
Steph says
Could you give examples of what you eat in a day? I too go to the gym but have vitamin deficiencies and got to learn to eat right. I too was a lot bigger than I am today. I'm tall five foot 9 I went from 215 all the way down to 147-150 it fluctuates but I'm bigger boned for a girl. I get called super skinny and skinny all the time but I'm a size 8-10 and always feel bigger I also weigh myself daily :/ I'm now suffering from anxiety I need help.
Megan says
What do you mean when you say your suffering from anxiety? Are you scared of gaining weight? How would me giving examples of what I eat in a day be helpful to you? You have to consider I have a number of medical issues that impact how I eat. Every person is individual when it comes to eating and as a nutrition practitioner, it would be irresponsible for me to give advice without knowing your full situation and doing a medical history.
Most people who come to this post are looking for help and are browsing the internet for a quick answer, but that isn't the way to get help. I can say this confidently because I suffered weight gain fear for years, and searched everywhere for someone who could help me. I saw dietitians, nutritionists, doctors, etc. but none of them got the weight gain fear. They looked at me like I had three heads.
If you want to setup a 15 minute call to discuss what's going on with you, I can explain to you how I work with clients and help them work through this.