The Single Girl Shame
"So, Megan, why aren't you dating anyone?"
The question never is, "are you dating anyone or have you met anyone." It's always, "why aren't you dating anyone" as if to imply something's wrong with me.
This question has been a regular occurrence for as long as I can remember (except for whenever I have been in a relationship), and it mostly comes from family. The people who love you most, are often the ones who hurt you most.
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As a woman who's almost 40 and who has had much success personally and professionally, this question is like a bullet to the heart. On the one hand, you feel like you've been pushed your whole life to be independent and to not depend on anyone yet, the mere fact that you don't have a husband somehow discredits everything you've worked so hard for.
Hong Kong 2012
I feel like being single is something I have to justify and apologize for. It's as if those who are married are "normal" and those who are single are "abnormal." I catch myself wondering what's wrong with me then reminding myself NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME.
Why is it that we can love and praise the Sex In The City women for being strong independent single women yet, in real life we put these same women down. Double standard?
It is hard being a single woman, and the the insinuation of it being abnormal is hurtful.
Don't you think it hurts having no one who loves you? You may as well tell me I'm fat, dumb and ugly.
What people fail to realize is how painful it is watching every friend, one by one getting married and having kids, while you wait for your turn that never comes.
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What people don't understand is how horrible it feels watching other women get divorced and remarried, while you're still single. Or how sad it is planning vacations alone because your friends have families and don't have time to go on vacation with their single friends.
What people don't know is how isolating it is that you don't have girlfriends to go out with on a Friday night anymore because they have families and you don't.
Those people take for granted how hard it is to survive being sick for two years, feeling like you're losing your mind because no doctor will help you, and having NO ONE to help you get through it. Someone who will give you a hug when you need one or listen to you cry your heart out.
It's wrong for people to judge you for the life you're living. It's not their life so why do they care? Not to mention they're overlooking the many successes that person has had in their life and the things they may have given up to get there.
Maybe something better is planned for me. Maybe this journey is preparing me for something different. Is being different so wrong?
Do you think if I had chosen my life this is what I would have wanted? I had dreams of meeting Mr. Right like every other little girl. It just didn't happen, or at least it hasn't happened yet, and I'm not going to sit around feeling sad about it. Life doesn't always happen the way we want it or come in a pretty box with a bow.
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I'm not a sad, single girl. I'm a smart, successful, beautiful, strong, mostly HEALTHY and HAPPY woman. Why isn't be enough?
Related: 3 Ways To Build Other Women Up
Thanks for letting me think out loud today.
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Love this! I am 43 and single and often cringe when people ask why I am single. "I just haven't met the right person" doesn't seem to satisfy other peoples judgement. My mother often tells me that she just worries about me being alone so I get the family thing. Best wishes to you. Thank you for this post.
I'm sorry...I think my full name auto-populated. If you could delete my comment above, that would be greatly appreciated. I only want to give my first name. Thanks!
I have stayed in an unfulfilling relationship for the past several years mainly because I'm afraid I'll be alone forever otherwise. I'm 46 & was married for a few years in my early 30's, then was single for 8 years (no dating either!) mainly b/c I was uncomfortable w/ the whole internet dating thing. One of the hardest parts during that time was not having anyone to go on vacation w/ (like you mentioned) or even just do things w/ on the wknds. All of my friends were married, & they'd get together w/ other couples, but nobody invites the single person along. It really sucks. So basically I've been sticking it out in an unhappy relationship just for the social aspects. I'm constantly weighing whether I'd be better off to stay or move on (those 8 years are a big, lingering bogeyman in the closet). Sometimes I feel like I've come full circle, though, because I look back on that time w/ fondness compared to the current situation. I'm just super afraid of making a mistake. Wouldn't it be nice if there were an internet site for "friending" where you could always go to find someone to hang out w/ you or go on trips? 😛
I'm sure there must be sites like that, but I've never looked. Change is always scary. I used to fight it because I was scared of leaving my comfort zone, but I've discovered these last few years how invigorating, exciting and refreshing change can be. No decision is ever right or wrong. It's your life. Write a life story you would want to watch in a movie. 🙂
I can relate to this post so much! I'm in a relationship now, but I was single for so many years. And I watched every one of my close friends get married during that period of time. I remember being at one friend's wedding and her Aunt saying to me - Don't worry your time will come. I hadn't even been thinking about my singleness until she said that. That's one of the worst things - people assuming that all you're thinking about is finding someone. I was happy with my life, but for whatever reason people think you can't be single and happy. It's ridiculous! I was happy then, and I'm happy now. 🙂
What you said about people assuming that's all you're thinking about is 100% true. I didn't even think about it until now, but you are right. they think you are not happy if you don't have someone. A relationship is not what makes you happy, YOU DO! Either way, I'm glad you are secure and happy in either place.
I literally just turned 20 and, "do you have a boyfriend?" tends to be among the first questions I get. When is that even an appropriate question? I can only imagine what it morphs into as I get older. Some people meet their person at 16, others meet them at 50. And like so many others, I agree that being secure and finding yourself is 110% necessary before making a commitment to someone else. I still think I have lots of work and time to spend with myself, and things will happen when they happen and I'm not going to let other people stress me out.
Your age is probably around the age it started for me. You have a great outlook and I'm glad to hear you won't let others question yourself over it. Even once you do get married, I'm sure the questions will just morph into when are you having a baby, etc. No matter what you do, there will always be those type of questions.
Oh I hear you loud and clear! When I decided to leave my boyfriend (and Hawaii) at age 33 I heard so many negative comments such as, "But you're too old to be a single woman! Just suck it up and figure it out." Never mind that I wasn't happy and could never be happy in that situation. People (especially family and close friends) can be so hurtful at times. I'm currently single and loving it! I'll plan vacations with you. I just got a job at an airline and my travel benefits will kick in soon. I plan to use this season of my life to travel and see the world as a single woman without a man or kids to tie me down.
Good for you! I actually was a consultant for many years so I took FULL advantage of my traveling to see as much as I wanted. Now I'm just happy to be home and take a trip once a year. I'm excited to hear where this new venture takes you!
I know how you feel. I have been sick for 2 years with chronic illness, I have no kids, no man. I can only imagine what people are thinking about me. Oh well. I have to put me first at this point of my life. They say everything happens for a reason.
You're exactly right! I hope you're feeling better soon.
HI Megan,
Thanks for your timely post.
I'm a 29 year old single professional lady and i get this every time! Why are you still single?! I feel occasionally that it is my fault somehow but reading your post has made me feel less alone in this matter. Holding on to the hope that Mr Right will waltz into my life.
You are most definitely not alone! I'm a big believer that things happen when they're meant to. Live for you!
Hi Megan! None of your posts has ever been as timely for me as this. It’s like I was meant to see it or something. I’m not single, I’m in a relationship for more than four years now, and you’d think people would be happy I finally found someone I could potentially live the rest of my life with, but they’re not. They’ve (like you, my family) graduated from asking me “Why are you still single?” to “Why aren’t you married yet?” I’m guessing married women are also faced with a slightly different but still too familiar dilemma about people asking them “Why don’t you have kids yet?” or “Why can’t you become a better mother?” or “Why can’t you be a career woman and a mom at the same time?” It seems to me that wherever stage of life we are, women are always subjected to impossibly high standards about being better than what they already are. I can’t say I have completely learned to let this go, but I’ve realized (just yesterday!) that these people’s standards – even if they’re my family – don’t matter, and that what matters is that I’m happy with who, what, and how I am right now. I know you are too! Huge hugs to you! 🙂
This is so very true! I think at different times in our lives we are subjected to the questions you mentioned. It's inevitable I suppose. I guess you can't change others though & can only change how you perceive yourself. Thanks for your thoughts!
You are SO right! Love your honesty, Megan! HUGS to you -- you're awesome!
Thank you Blair!