Every day my fear of gaining weight consumes me. After losing 80 pounds, I've finally figured out how to be live beyond the scale & stop obsessing over my weight.
Six years ago I lost 80 pounds and to this day I worry about my weight. Looking back on my 80 pound weight loss, I realize now losing weight was the easy part. Being in maintenance is a thousand times harder. Even after six years, I still have a fear of gaining weight, and that's a fear I struggle with to this day.
I know it’s not realistic to think I'll gain 80 pounds back overnight. But when you lose that much weight it’s hard to see yourself in a new way. I’m a size 2, sometimes a size 4 and yet, I look in the mirror and see the size 14 girl with ginormous thighs.
It’s not because my thighs are big. It’s because my body imagine is distorted. I still envision myself as that size 14 girl with big hips and thighs.
During my weight-loss, I meticulously counted calories, tracked what I ate and exercised daily. Today I still track calories but it's for different reasons than when I was losing weight. When I was losing weight, I wouldn't eat unless I had the nutritional facts in front of me.
In part, that was because I didn't know how much the nutritional value was of certain foods or what the right portion sizes were. Tracking food helped me stop overeating by teaching me to eat the right amounts.
The other reason I tracked my food was because I didn't trust myself to eat in control on my own. I rarely allowed myself to deviate from meal plans because I feared I would binge and when I did, it caused me anxiety because I didn't believe I would choose to eat the right things in the right amounts.
Battling multiple injuries the last two years, I finally learned how to be more lenient with my eating and to listen to my body. That transition wasn't easy, but I knew I didn't want to live my life counting calories and having no flexibility in what I ate.
Things also changed for me after losing weight. I fell in love with fitness and started training more seriously. I realized that in order to support my high level of activity I had to let go of my fear of gaining weight and view food as fuel for my workouts. I also came to realize that I was also putting myself at risk for nutritional deficiencies if I didn't allow more variety in my diet. Food is not the enemy. It's survival!
I won't lie. Letting go of my fear of gaining weight took years. If it hadn't been for those injuries, I'm not sure I would've let it go. Those injuries were a blessing in disguise. It forced me to slow down and listen to my body, and I'm much happier now because of it. I still track my food to ensure my macronutrients are balanced because getting enough protein is an issue for me. Otherwise, I can track my calories in my head.
What I no longer do is get on a scale every day and obsess over the number. I've built a lot of muscle lifting weights and the scale will only mess with that achievement. My focus now is how I feel, and I don't need a scale to tell me that.
I know I'm strong and that's all that matters. Most women my age can't bench the weight I'm benching and most women my age don't have the endurance I have, and I know how I'm doing just by putting on my clothes. If things are snug, I know I need to increase my vegetables and protein and cut out the sugar. I don't need a scale to tell me those things anymore.
I still have those moments though where I fear gaining weight, but when that happens I remind myself how strong I am. I've recovered from multiple injuries and even had a hip replacement. Through that I didn't gain weight because the healthy habits I developed during my weight loss are now a normal part of my life.
Even though it's been years since my weight loss, I’m still learning to accept my body. I’m not sure I will ever get used to people saying things to me like “you’re so small.” I’m at the point in life where I recognize I will always going to hate my thighs and I’m not going to starve myself or cut calories to a dangerous level to change that. What I will commit to doing, is learning to love myself and my body. Everyone has insecurities even the person you idolize most.
My advice to you is to think about all the things you love about yourself. Write them down and read them every day as a reminder that you are more than your weight. Getting over your fear of gaining weight will take time. Give yourself permission to live and love yourself for all the wonderful things you are. Remember, you're not alone in this!
Do you have an unhealthy relationship with food? Are you constantly fearing weight gain and obsessing over what you eat? Does food control you? My book, Living Beyond The Scale is for you!
This book teaches you 7 steps to release weight gain fear and develop a healthy relationship with food and your body. Buy it today & set yourself free!
Hi Megan,
I’m so grateful for your blog. It shows that I’m not alone and how some people can relate to how I feel about therapists and nutritionists and therapy. Those are good but they haven’t gotten to me very well. I have and still do struggle with this. It’s been 20 + of going to war with myself. I have never been huge but was a bit overweight in high school because I absolutely thought I’d gain muscle if I exercised, which I am absolutely over. Some years I am ok and then other years I freak out and do gain a little. The older I get the more I freak out because I think older means fatter:/ I think it’s good to be at a healthy weight and want to look good and fit. But I shouldn’t have it at the top of my mind all the time. I need to remember life revolves around so many good things. I have a hard time getting into relationships because I am embarrassed about this fear that I have. Right now I’m just trying to keep myself from going insane! I cry so often and feel so dark and down and can’t tell what is feeding the other. If there is any feedback I’d appreciate something. It doesn’t have to be long like this comment!
Best piece ever about this issue. I lost 50 lbs. in 2004. I am still struggling but it is getting a bit better. Thanks for the helpful information
Thank you! It does get better. Just takes time to trust yourself.
I second what Megan said about finding someone to share what's going on. I still have behaviors my husband doesn't know about, but for those he's aware of, he's a huge help. Maybe it's not your husband. Maybe it's a friend but having someone else know your secrets may take away some of their power. I've been struggling for 7 years so I know how you feel. I'm sorry for the position you're in.
I lost 80lbs 7 years ago and still struggle with the fear of gaining weight. In fact, I only eat 1 meal a day now because of that fear. I've never admitted that to anyone, not even my husband realizes I'm only eating supper each day. I'd like to get past this fear, but I'm not sure how.
You should really find someone you feel comfortable with to help you. I know, I was in that dark place for a very long time. You begin to isolate yourself which I'm sure you know isn't healthy. As a nutritionist, I am very concerned about you eating one meal a day and the nutritional deficiencies you may have because of that. Eventually your hormones will become affected. Once that happens, you'll begin gaining weight. Not trying to scare you, but some things for you to think about.
Thank you so much for your post. I have lost 80+ pounds and the the fear gaining an inch/pound has been horrible. Trying to talk to people who have not encountered this problem is a joke. Thank you so much for putting my thoughts on this post. Just so you know, I have let the scale go. Now I am focusing on eating clean... Proteins, fruits, and vegetables. Thank you again!
Congrats to you! Oh, I really know what you mean about talking to people and they just. don't. get. it. You should read this post I wrote last year about the time I saw a dietician. Hope you keep nourishing your body and giving it what it needs. Don't deprive yourself now! https://skinnyfitalicious.com/weight-gain-fear-after-weight-loss/
Why do you count calories now? You say it's to make sure you get enough protein, but then why not just count protein grams and not calories?
To make sure I'm getting enough calories and the right macronutrient balance. It's easier to put it in the app than to count grams manually.
Love this! I lost the weight many years ago as well, but just in the last year have ditched the scale. A number on the scale no longer controls how I feel about myself. In the past I would let it ruin my day or week, because no matter the number I would always want it to be lower. I'm 5' 11 1/2'' and my body isn't designed to be smaller than a size 6, at least not healthy. I have to remind myself that I am strong, healthy, active, my body weight doesn't matter. When I go to the doctor and they weigh me, I ask them to not tell me the number. Sometimes I get funny looks, but I don't really care, it's not worth it, I know I'm healthy and strong. 🙂
Thank you for the words of wisdom!
I do the same when I go to the doctor. I sort of feel like they're judging me by putting me on a scale anyway and I don't need that negativity. Sometimes you just have to say no when you know what's best for you. Good to know I'm not the only one and I'm glad that you've come to a happy place!
I am the same way!! I'm so tall I cannot get smaller than a six unless I'm starving myself! I was eating 800 Cals a day a few years back and over exercising and got down to a tight six so now I'm trying to akeast eat 1500 as a starting point it's hard
Eating that low of calories at your height is incredibly dangerous. When you eat too few calories, your metabolism slows down. This is scientifically proven. After your metabolism slows, your hormones begin to shut down. First, cortisol increases causing you to feel crazy stressed out, you stop sleeping well & have crazy anxiety, then insulin goes up making it impossible for you to lose weight because it causes your body to store fat not burn it. Then thyroid begins to slow, digestion stops, immune system lowers its ability to protect the body and reproductive systems stop functioning. I ate 2500 calories yesterday and I'm a size 2. Sometimes doing the opposite of what you think your body needs will get you the result you're looking for.
A doctor told me 1500 guess he's wrong? I do have anxiety and trouble sleeping thank you
Could be, depends. Everyone is different. Doctors generally have 1, maybe 2 classes in nutrition. An RD or nutritionist is the best person to tell you what the right amount is.
I don't feel like a scale is ever a good thing. I mean, obviously if you're trying to lost a significant amount of weight it's good for check ins and the like, so maybe I just mean it's not a good thing FOR ME. I would never be satisfied w the number in the past - if it was low, I was happy but basing my happiness on a number (what?) and if it was higher than I wanted I would make myself feel bad. Now I just go by how clothes fit and how I look in a mirror and it's allllll good. 🙂
It took me a long time to figure what you said! Even when you go to the doctor's office you get weighed automatically and it feels like you're being judged which is why I don't allow them to weigh me anymore. The scale was helpful during my weight loss to monitor progress. Looking back, I'm not sure I would do that but I wish I would have had someone to tell me how to transition into real life better. That's part of the reason why I'm becoming a coach.
I worked as a weight loss counselor for 3+ years and it was always maintaining the weight loss that was the hardest for people. I met with clients weekly and we did exactly what you said--we would write down what they loved about themselves, their wins of the week, times when they didn't obsess over weighing themselves and it truly helped so much! Thanks for sharing your very inspirational story!
I wish I would have known you back then! It was rough several years and I never would have imagined that after weight loss being so much harder. This is exactly why I became a health coach to help other people. Maybe I need to look into becoming a counselor at some point. Thanks for commenting!
Awesome post, friend! You are so strong!
Thanks Blair!
Thanks for this.