Today is about me. About my life. About feeling out of control. About reinventing myself. About wanting to live again.
Once upon a time, I had a job. A job I could leave at 4:30-5:00 p.m. A job that let me workout at night, eat dinner, watch TV, go to happy hour and live my life.
Today I have a job that consumes every moment of my day. A job where my brain is on, on, on. A job that expects 60 working hours. A job with so much unpredictability. A job that expects me to say yes when I want to say no. A job with no personal boundaries.
Every day I’m rushed. Every day I’m just making it to the next thing. I’m trying to maintain balance so many things. I have no time. My life is not my own. It’s out of control. I’m desperate.
@4:20 a.m. my alarm goes off.
@4:45 a.m., I’m out the door hitting the pavement or heading to the gym.My workout is my time. My only time. My quiet time. I”m alone. I can think. I can breathe. I clear my thoughts.I prepare for the intense pace of the day. I workout early because I never know or have control when I will leave work. Will it be 5? Never. 6? Unlikely. 7? More likely.
@ 6:45 a.m., I shower. Slap on mascara, brush my hair & put on clothes.
@ 7:30 a.m., I get my coffee, my lunch, water bottle, laptop and purse. I rush out the door. I start the car.
@ 7:45 a.m., I’m sitting in traffic. I read blogs to distract myself from not moving. When we move, it’s a race. We speed then slam on the brakes. It’s the Indy 500 until I get to work.
@ 8:15 a.m., I’m at work. I rush to get inside, but I can barely get out of the car. I’m sore from working out. I’m sore from sitting a 45 minute commute.
@ 8:30 a.m., I have 3 people in my office. I’m so stressed from the drive and I really need a restroom.
@ 9:00 a.m., the morning meeting starts. I start my computer. Read email while we’re giving status.
@ 10:00 a.m., the meeting should be done but everyone is still talking. I’m starving. I need food. I haven’t had breakfast. I’m starving. What are they saying? I might pass out.
@11:00 a.m., I eat breakfast. Get water. Go to the restroom.
@11:30 a.m., I’m at my desk. Everyone’s at lunch. It’s quiet. I can work.
@1:00 p.m., I eat lunch. Everyone’s back.
@2:00 p.m, afternoon meeting starts. How long will I have to stay tonight? I want to go home.
@4:00 p.m., meetings end. I finish lunch.
@5:00 p.m., I’m starving but I can’t go home. I eat an apple and drink tea.
@6:00 p.m., Am I working? Not really. I can’t think. My brain is so tired. I just want to go home.
@6:30 p.m., I leave & I’m stuck in traffic.
@7:15 p.m., I’m home. I empty my lunch bag and reload for tomorrow. I shower.
@7:30 p.m., I eat vegetables or something small. It’s late. Too late for real dinner. I drink tea and read email.
@8:30 p.m., I’m in bed. I’m exhausted. I’m asleep when my head hits the pillow.
The next day it all begins all over again like Groundhog Day. I spend all weekend racing to get ahead. I plan, cook my meals for the week, prepare lunches, set out my clothes. I do everything and anything I can to save time during the week. But I have no weekend because I’m always catching up.
I listen to this song on repeat. These lyrics –> “Hoping when the moment comes I say, I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places that things that I did. With every broken bone. I swear. I lived.”
When did life become this way? What am I doing wrong? I’ve always been a self-starter. Always enjoyed working. Always been an over-achiever, a high potential employee who’s seen as the leader, respected & regarded by leadership as someone to count on. Why do I feel like I’m letting everyone down? Am I burnt out? Is this how life is supposed to feel? Does everyone else feel this way?
I don’t like what I’m doing. I haven’t in years. It was right for me for a long time, but it’s not right anymore. I’ve changed. My goals have changed. Since I lost lost weight, my perspective changed. I became a new person. A better person. I want to help people. I want to write. I want to teach. I want to start my own company. I want to live again. How can I do those things when I have no time?
I need it to change. I need to follow my heart and dreams. I’ve overcome too much and have come too far to feel this way. I’m not living. I’m surviving. Please God help me find the way.
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