This post has been months in the making. I've re-written this so many times. Part of me's unsure where to begin, how to explain what I've experienced these past months and tied it up into one little blog post. Along with the sadness comes the anger and frustration. Needless to say, reflecting on the events of last year has been an battle of emotions. Recovering from an injury is so much more than physical. It's also facing the fears and emotions that come with the experience. So here it is. My fears, my emotions....6 Things Injury Taught Me About My Body
Last year I battled multiple stress fractures. It stopped me dead in my tracks, sidelined my fitness goals, changed my body, resurfaced a 15 year old injury, forced me to change my fitness and caused immense physical and emotional pain not to mention completely turned my life upside down. I had no idea who I was. I felt trapped by injury and frustrated with doctors who passed me around like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Being injured 14 months felt like a never ending roller coaster with many highs and many lows. At the lows, the pain was unbearable. I would cry in bed every morning not wanting to get up. Those days, weeks and months I felt alone and very scared. It was the only time in my life when I really wished I had a husband to lean on, but I didn't. I was in so much pain for so long yet no doctor would listen. I felt I was going to stay injured forever. At one point, I almost gave up on myself. I looked at a bottle of pills and thought how easy it would be make the pain go away.
Getting tossed from doctor to doctor not getting answers and having no one who would take the time to listen and put the pieces of the puzzle together made me feel crazy. I felt like I was living a nightmare. The more the doctors wouldn't listen, the more I questioned myself. BUT I always came back to my senses and talked myself out of the irrational thoughts. I trusted my instincts and didn't give up until I got the right diagnosis. I was determined to get answers no matter how bad they were. Sometimes you have to go to the ER twice in one day and at 2 am to get someone to pay attention.
Now that I'm well on the road to recovery, I've been thinking a lot about this experience. I believe everything happens for a reason and there's always something to take away from it. I learned doctors are meaningless and are only concerned with what they can bill you. I learned to trust my instincts and not doctors. Mostly, I learned how my body operates. I put the own pieces of my puzzle together and I didn't need a PhD to do it either. I think it's interesting how we live in this structure called "a body" for many years and never connect with it or understand how it operates. Wouldn't it be nice if we could press a button like a computer and make it work? Some things I knew about my body while others I was completely unaware of or I didn't make the connections of certain things until now. So today I'm sharing the things I learned about my body. I hope it helps others put their pieces of their puzzle together and also allow me to put the emotional scars of this behind me.
Eating
Looking back on the months leading up to my injury, I know eating was a problem for me. I was stressed in every way possible and went through an emotionally difficult time. I pounded my heart out on the pavement and at the gym. I kept myself busy, always on the go, go, go making it easy to bypass food and not deal with the things that were really upsetting me inside. Let me be clear. I wasn't purposely not eating. I just wasn't hungry and for months ate very little. For someone like me who has a very healthy appetite (umm...have you seen my recipes?), not feeling hungry was completely off.
While I was injured, I became more aware of my problem of not eating when I'm upset. Now I know I must consistently eat even when I'm not hungry and sometimes need to eat more than I realize for the amount of fitness I do. It always ends up catching up with me one way or another. I can go hours not eating then suddenly I'm starving. I've been trying to eat more regularly at scheduled times. I did this while I was losing weight and it really helped. It prevented that ugly crash and burn cycle. I'm still struggling with this because of my current body image issues, but I keep reminding myself my body needs nourishment and that it places more stress on my body when I'm not eating enough. It's one of the reasons why I count calories, to ensure I'm getting enough of them. To think years ago, I counted them for the opposite reason.
My Weight
A few months before I became first injured, I lost 10 pounds. At my lowest, I was 115 at 5'7". Since that time, I'd guess I've gained ~15 pounds. I'm not sure and I can't bear the thought of weighing myself to find out. Right now I just want to be pain free and feel healthy. Still, in the back of my mind, I feel upset I'm not where I want to be. My pencil skirts and structured work pants don't fit me. Someone told me once to "go buy bigger ones". I thought to myself that's a recipe for disaster. Suddenly I'll be buying the next size up, then the next one, then the next and so on. Before I know it, I'll be the size I was before my weight loss. The mental war of weight loss.
My clothes fit me perfectly fine before I lost those 10 pounds that got me to 115. That weight I lost before my injury made me rail thin (see 1st & 3rd pic). My clothes were draping on me. For me to want to get back to the place where I can wear my old clothes like I did before I was a stick, feels like a reasonable expectation. I'm not sure my body agrees or is ready to let go of it though.
I've realized my body is very sensitive to my weight. Probably because I lost so much of it years ago and have been under incredible stress during those years until recently. If I'm too stressed, my body hoards pounds. I have to be very cautious of how much stress I put on my body otherwise I won't lose those annoying 10 pounds especially in the stomach area. Stomach fat accumulation is many times an indicator of stress and hormone problems both of which I've had for 5 years. For right now, I've given up on the notion of "losing weight" because it's placing more stress on my body. That's the exact opposite of what I want it to do. If I stop obsessing about it, I'm hoping my pre-injury body will come back to me.
Stress
I always knew stress was bad, but I didn't understand how it manifested itself until now. Stress raises cortisol levels in the body, messes with hormones and causes weight gain. Stress comes in many forms. For me it was psychological, emotional and physical. The emotional was all the personal upset I was dealing with prior to my first injury as well as my Mom's heart surgery. The psychological was a stressful consulting job. I can never explain the amount of pressure "firms" places on it's employees. Then there's the physical stress. Working out at high intensity places physical stress on the body.
I'm convinced the reason my first injury took so long to heal was due to the immense stresses I had last year. When you're injured, your stress levels are already higher than normal. I really wish I would've taken a leave of absence from work to deal with my emotional stress. Unfortunately firms are not forgiving in this regard. At the end of the day, it's only about billable hours. I was also scared of losing my contract with my client who is now my employer. The people and culture are 360 degree difference. Sure there is still psychological stress from work, but it's no where near what it was before.
As far as fitness, I know with absolute certainty now that working out every day while I was injured was a mistake. I was placing more stress on my body when my body was already stressed dealing with an injury. I'm convinced this prolonged my recovery. I wish I would have rested more focusing on strength instead of endurance. My body didn't need the added stress of working out.
The problem when you're body is overly stressed is that things begin to shut down. Imagine you're on a deserted island. You're body instinctively goes into survival mode and shuts things down. Mine manifested in the form of disappearing estrogen. According to my doctor, I need a lot less stress for my body to feel it's in a safe place again.
Fitness
My injuries taught me many things about my workouts. The most important being that I don't need hours and hours of cardio every day. My ankle injury really forced me to take a step back and re-examine my approach to fitness. I wasn't able to do much cardio and had to focus on building strength. I began doing more circuit type workouts. While my workouts are still long, the focus is more on strength than on cardio.
I am grateful for my injuries for leading me to the pool and allowing me to discover my love of swimming. I wasn't a swimmer before them, but I am now. I found swimming helps me relax. It's my way of slowing down. The water makes me feel safe and calms my crazy nerves.
Now that I'm attuned to the relationship of fitness and stress on my body, I realized my routines needed to seriously change to get my body to its safe place. That's exactly why I'm heading to the trails 2-3 times a week instead of the gym. To give my body a break. The lower intensity activity will put less stress on my body while still strengthening my legs and building endurance. I hope the lighter activity helps my body discover it's balance again and helps me lose those nagging 10 pounds my body so angrily wants to hang onto. Stress often causes the body to hold onto weight, even gain weight. Stress-fitness-weight go hand in hand. In the 3 weeks, that I started doing more trails I've already noticed changed in my body composition. Less is more.
Stretching & Balance
I don't like yoga. I think it's the most boring thing ever. Any type of stretching or basically anything that forces me to go slow annoys me. Before my injury, I never did anything outside a hamstring or calf stretch. I never had to. I don't know if it's a getting old thing (a lot changes post 35 ladies) or being injured thing or what. Now if I don't stretch after a workout, my body's screaming at me for days. Even swimming, which seems logically like a no stretching required activity makes me feel like an old arthritic lady if I don't stretch. Now I take stretching seriously. Sometimes I have to spend more time doing it than I'd like to, but I know my body needs it even if it means getting to other things in my day later than I want to.
Balance is a whole new world to me. I never realized how weak my ankles and hips were until my PT had me balance one leg behind myself on a bosu, arms in the air & turn head side-to-side. I nearly fell over. When things are out of balance, you compensate and are prone to injury. Now I do what may seem like silly exercises. People always stare at me at the gym, but I don't care. I need to strengthen my imbalances. I have my awesome PT to thank for getting my head out of the cardio gutter and focused on building strength so I can stop compensating and hopefully prevent future injuries. This is also why I've now started working with a personal trainer in Pilates.
Estrogen
Estrogen is incredibly important for protecting bones. Many years ago my periods disappeared and no one could ever explain to me why. I always saw my OB every year along with many other doctors and never did one of them point out the risk of not having estrogen as an athlete. I feel stupid I didn't realize it myself. Sometimes I'm so smart yet really stupid, but you expect doctors to advise you. They don't. You have to be your own health advocate.
My missing estrogen was the cause of my two stress fractures last year. I feel like going back to all those doctors and educating them on what they overlooked so others don't go through what I did. At least, now I know and hopefully the things I'm doing to reduce my stress, change my fitness approach and focus on my eating will get my estrogen to come out and play. More to come on my estrogen battle.
As much as I resent my body for what I've been through, I also appreciate it more now. It's the one and only body I'll ever have. I've come to realize just how fragile yet powerful it is. My mind is not in control of it even though I desperately want that control. It scares me to think the machine inside is making the decisions, not me. Becoming aware of this, has made me respect my body and not want to pound so hard on it. I can workout hard a few days a week, but I need lighter active days to counter balance it. Those low key days are not going to make or break my overall fitness or weight. I lost the majority of my 80 pounds walking every day. I believe my body wants me to go back to that. It's starting over and that's ok.
Emily says
Wow, I'm sorry it took you so long to find the right doctor, but I'm glad you persisted till you did. And your transparency is refreshing, as all of these things are things I have struggled with, with some of my injuries while running. It definitely teaches you that your body is not indestructible and has to be regularly maintained and cared for.
Megan says
Thanks Emily! It's interesting how separate yet connected the mind and body is.
Gianna @ Run, Lift, Repeat says
I feel awful for how much you went through and that you went to so many awful doctors who dismissed you, but glad you learned so much about yourself and are on the mend! As someone who took 3 years to get diagnosed with Crohn's and was very put off by my first outreach to a doctor who just told me that running too much was causing my issues (and then had me too embarrassed to seek further consultation for 2 years)...it took another couple of doctors to find an AMAZING one. He literally spent 2+ hours in our first meeting listening, writing down a full history as long as I could remember explaining the results of all the tests I had had to that point and inputting his thoughts and listening to my concerns...and then dealing with me calling multiple times a week over the next few months as all medication failed me. I owe my doctor to helping me get my life back to normal. There are some amazing ones out there still that genuinely advocate the patients well being, just sad there are so many who don't.
Megan says
Good ones are hard to find. You can't give up especially when you know they're not right! I'm so glad you finally found one and had yours addressed properly. So many people go on suffering and it's not right. We're the lucky ones!
Erin@BeetsPerMinute says
Stress in any form is the "fatal health potion". Unfortunately, it's pretty impossible to not impose it on ourselves or have it imposed on us. It's good you're listening to your intuition and taking steps to manage it all.
Megan says
Unfortunately I had multiple forms of it at one time for many years. For certain a recipe for injury or illness.
Lisa @ RunWiki says
This was exactly what I needed to read. I have hit rock bottom with my shin pain... time to go to a doctor ... less than two weeks before Boston (Slow clapping at myself) You're so wise. Nice to see that you came out the other end more enlightened. 🙂
Megan says
I'm wiser and fatter. Just hope the pounds come off. Ugh injury is the worse. I think the hard part is admitting it to yourself. Get to the doc. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!
Michele @ paleorunningmomma says
So sorry for all the pain you went through with this, but I can see how much you've learned! Each of these things are ones that every single woman needs to know about because I really believe that due to hormones we are just at more of a risk for the breakdown and injuries that can occur with a lot of cardio, stress, low weight, all of that. Glad you're figuring all of this out now and are feeling a lot better 🙂
Megan says
I have learned a lot and felling better than ever. It surprises me how much we don't really know about our bodies. Now if I could just lose a few measly pounds.
Ashley @ A Lady Goes West says
Wow, Megan! I love this post. You're so honest and I can tell you're speaking from your heart. You've certainly learned a lot along the way. And perhaps become an even better version of yourself in the process. I can't imagine how hard this time has been for you --- but it looks like you're coming out the other end. And those 10 pounds? Maybe they are muscle? Who knows! Here's to feeling good and listening to your body!
Megan says
Thanks Ashley! Now that I'm feeling better I can work on toning areas and losing a few pounds. I'm sure there's a lot of muscle under a layer of fat. I'm trying to convince myself I'm a bodybuilder and need to lean out now. Lol!
Suzy says
I love that you put it all out there on your blog. So many people will relate and feel inspired by your story and isn't that what life is about? Helping each other? Your story gives so much hope. You know, in Canada it pretty much takes an emergency situation to get any sort of help. Otherwise we are on the waitlist to see specialists for months, even years. We literally have to be near-death to get bumped to the front where we can get much-needed medical attention. Super frustrating.
Megan says
Wow! I never knew that about Canada. That must be frustrating! I can't imagine what would've happened to me if I lived there. I'm glad you think it's good that I put it all out there. I'm always unsure how people will react when I say how I'm really feeling.
Jill @ Champagne for Everyday says
I love this post Megan!! Honestly, my body is the exact same way with stress. Mega work and life stress plus working out like a freak doesn't work for me at all. If I gain 5lbs over my usual weight, the only way to get it off is to chill out in the gym and in life, shockingly enough. I believe in calories in calories out, but I think when you are 100% on top of your diet and workout game already and are not seeing results, these other factors make a huge difference. Here's to being in tune!
xx
Megan says
Stress is huge! I'm trying to relax more and have already noticed a big difference in how I'm feeing, but it will probably take time for my body to come around.
Linda@ TheFitty says
While I've never suffere from a serious injury before, it's really relatable, everything you post here. especially the stressing less to lose weight part. That's something I'm working on right now.
Megan says
Stress plays a big role in weight-fitness-eating. Once it begins, it's a vicious cycle that's hard to break. It's good that you're aware of it. That's the hardest part.
Daisy @ Fit Wanderlust Runner says
Megan I absolutely love your honesty! I can't imagine what you went through and are still going through with dealing with your injuries. I've only had my plantar fasciitis and it's been a pain for quite some time but nothing compared to what you've been through. So many of the things you've learned I am learning too. I love how you have become your own health advocate. Only you know what truly is going on with your body. Thank you for sharing this.
Megan says
Thanks Daisy! I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this really. I think many people struggle with their bodies whether it be illness, injury or just trying to lose weight. I'm hoping by opening it up to the world it will help others. Thank you sweet lady!