Today is about me. About my life. About feeling out of control. About reinventing myself. About wanting to live again.
Once upon a time, I had a job. A job I could leave at 4:30-5:00 p.m. A job that let me workout at night, eat dinner, watch TV, go to happy hour and live my life.
Today I have a job that consumes every moment of my day. A job where my brain is on, on, on. A job that expects 60 working hours. A job with so much unpredictability. A job that expects me to say yes when I want to say no. A job with no personal boundaries.
Every day I'm rushed. Every day I'm just making it to the next thing. I'm trying to maintain balance so many things. I have no time. My life is not my own. It's out of control. I'm desperate.
@4:20 a.m. my alarm goes off.
@4:45 a.m., I'm out the door hitting the pavement or heading to the gym.My workout is my time. My only time. My quiet time. I"m alone. I can think. I can breathe. I clear my thoughts.I prepare for the intense pace of the day. I workout early because I never know or have control when I will leave work. Will it be 5? Never. 6? Unlikely. 7? More likely.
@ 6:45 a.m., I shower. Slap on mascara, brush my hair & put on clothes.
@ 7:30 a.m., I get my coffee, my lunch, water bottle, laptop and purse. I rush out the door. I start the car.
@ 7:45 a.m., I'm sitting in traffic. I read blogs to distract myself from not moving. When we move, it's a race. We speed then slam on the brakes. It's the Indy 500 until I get to work.
@ 8:15 a.m., I'm at work. I rush to get inside, but I can barely get out of the car. I'm sore from working out. I'm sore from sitting a 45 minute commute.
@ 8:30 a.m., I have 3 people in my office. I'm so stressed from the drive and I really need a restroom.
@ 9:00 a.m., the morning meeting starts. I start my computer. Read email while we're giving status.
@ 10:00 a.m., the meeting should be done but everyone is still talking. I'm starving. I need food. I haven't had breakfast. I'm starving. What are they saying? I might pass out.
@11:00 a.m., I eat breakfast. Get water. Go to the restroom.
@11:30 a.m., I'm at my desk. Everyone's at lunch. It's quiet. I can work.
@1:00 p.m., I eat lunch. Everyone's back.
@2:00 p.m, afternoon meeting starts. How long will I have to stay tonight? I want to go home.
@4:00 p.m., meetings end. I finish lunch.
@5:00 p.m., I'm starving but I can't go home. I eat an apple and drink tea.
@6:00 p.m., Am I working? Not really. I can't think. My brain is so tired. I just want to go home.
@6:30 p.m., I leave & I'm stuck in traffic.
@7:15 p.m., I'm home. I empty my lunch bag and reload for tomorrow. I shower.
@7:30 p.m., I eat vegetables or something small. It's late. Too late for real dinner. I drink tea and read email.
@8:30 p.m., I'm in bed. I'm exhausted. I'm asleep when my head hits the pillow.
The next day it all begins all over again like Groundhog Day. I spend all weekend racing to get ahead. I plan, cook my meals for the week, prepare lunches, set out my clothes. I do everything and anything I can to save time during the week. But I have no weekend because I'm always catching up.
I listen to this song on repeat. These lyrics --> "Hoping when the moment comes I say, I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places that things that I did. With every broken bone. I swear. I lived."
When did life become this way? What am I doing wrong? I've always been a self-starter. Always enjoyed working. Always been an over-achiever, a high potential employee who's seen as the leader, respected & regarded by leadership as someone to count on. Why do I feel like I'm letting everyone down? Am I burnt out? Is this how life is supposed to feel? Does everyone else feel this way?
I don't like what I'm doing. I haven't in years. It was right for me for a long time, but it's not right anymore. I've changed. My goals have changed. Since I lost lost weight, my perspective changed. I became a new person. A better person. I want to help people. I want to write. I want to teach. I want to start my own company. I want to live again. How can I do those things when I have no time?
I need it to change. I need to follow my heart and dreams. I've overcome too much and have come too far to feel this way. I'm not living. I'm surviving. Please God help me find the way.
Linking up with Amanada @ Running with Spoons & Jill at Fitness,Health and Happiness
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[Tweet "Wanting to Live Again"]
jill conyers says
I can relate to this in some ways. It may not feel like it now but it will all work out. You will find your way that will lead you to your heart. We both will 🙂
Rachelle Q says
I am all for following your dreams:) Do what you need to do to make them happen!
Arman @ thebigmansworld says
I can relate to this so much actually- especially the part about how the weekends you want to enjoy but are catching up!
I think the fact that you are aware that you want to 'live again' is giving you the motivation and gut instinct to do just that- you just need to take the first step. You've got this 😉
The Skinny-Life says
You're right. Thank you!
PfitinBeantown says
First of all, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being open and honest. It always strikes me when people are honest with their feelings. I believe we are around the same age. The age where everyone posts their amazing accomplishments and dream-lives-coming-true on social media. Not only is it a fraction of reality, but it somehow makes me feel as though I am not living. How can I be living if others my age are traveling the world, taking pictures with drinks and food, and posting about how PERFECT the sunset in Tahiti is with their boyfriend?
Yeah... I believe we are about THAT age...
What you say reminds me of a conversation I had with my father. In tears, I asked him, "Is this ALL there is?!" I had asked him this question my first year in medical school. He said, "There is only as much as YOU want there to be." Whatever... parents are supposed to make these boldfaced lies to their children to fill them up with hope and inspiration. Or at least that is what I thought at the time.
Flash forward a few years. In a span of four months, I lost my grandfather, I lost my brother to a drug overdose, and I left medical school. I literally had nothing. And it was in the moment between feeling badly for myself and wanting to take the next step that I thought about what my dad had said to me. And he was right. Maybe this was someone's way of showing me that my life, my path I was on, was not what I was ultimately meant to do. Maybe it was someone showing me that I needed to make MORE of what my life was to be filled with.
It can be cliche and you can choose to ignore what I say, but your weight loss happened for a reason. You chose to make something MORE of your life. Many people are unsuccessful in that journey but for some reason- your determination, will, drive- you were and now you touch people's lives by writing about your experience, about your passions, about your life. Maybe you are meant to do more than just the 8-7 grind. What that MORE is, only you can figure out and that takes courage, patience, failure, and time.
The Skinny-Life says
Wow what an incredible story! Thank you for sharing that with me. It makes me feel like I'm not ungrateful for what I have and alone with this. I too believe my weight loss happened for a reason. I also think we always need to be reinventing ourselves to grow and be satisfied with life.
Amanda @ .running with spoons. says
Oh hun... My heart is breaking just reading this -- I can't even imagine living it. Well, I can relate to a certain degree since I was working a job a few years back that totally sucked everything I had out of me, but I don't think it was anywhere near the craziness that you have to deal with. I took a leap of faith and completely changed the direction of my career last year, and while it was scary as hell at the time, it's also been the best thing I ever did and I've never looked back. Don't let a job steal so much happiness from you... life's too short and too wonderful.
The Skinny-Life says
Thanks, Amanda. It's a tough balance. I'm trying to find something that lets me slow down, but it takes time to find the right fit.
The Silent Assassin says
...and where does your blogging time fit in? =). Breakfast seems kinda late. (within) The hour after your run or work out, you should really get something to eat. Looks like you've hit a time in your life where you need to shake it up and re-assess some priorities. Maybe you need a change of job? a change of scenery?
The Skinny-Life says
Blogging happens whenever I can fit it in and need a job so I can slow down.
Jessie says
Unfortunately only you can decide where you want your life to go. Sure people can give you suggestions, but when it comes down to it, you have to make the decision. I know they say having a job is everything, however is it really when your this miserable? Perhaps try to write down all the cons & pros. Maybe even start putting your resume into different professions or same one but a closer office.There's always options girl 🙂